Category Archives: Emotional Intelligence

The Power of a Morning Routine

14 Tuesday Jul 2020

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Recently I’ve talked with several people about their morning routines. My mother lived with me for 10 years, and she was the queen of the morning routine. She settled into her “nest” with a cup of tea. Her nest changed each time we moved, which was pretty often as a military family. Sometimes it was in her bed, sometimes in a chair with her feet up on an ottoman. She always had three morning books going at one time. One was always Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. All of the books were uplifting, so they put her in a positive frame of mind.

I would be running around like a crazy person getting the boys ready for school, and she was an ocean of calm who refused to allow any big waves in her peaceful morning. She was one of the most positive people that I’ve ever known.

I recently participated in a virtual retreat for female entrepreneurs by successful businesswoman Grace Lever. She described her morning routine, and it was very similar. Grace gets up at 5:30 am and sits with her tea in meditation and prayer. Then she does 10 minutes of intense exercise with a German model named Pamela Reif. After her tea, she drinks a big glass of water. Her routine takes about an hour.

My sister has recently caught the Tony Robbins fire. Tony jumps into cold water first thing and then does some breathing and mindset exercises. Like Mom, he has an emphasis on positivity and gratitude. You can follow along with him here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faTGTgid8Uc&feature=youtu.be

I find that my days and my life go better when I have a morning routine. If I am not firm about the time that I am getting up and what I am going to do first, I sort of meander into the day. The lack of a plan also leaves me with a less than positive attitude. I feel bad because I have lost my most productive part of the day.

I will admit that COVID-19 has allowed me the time and space to lose my motivation and any semblance of a morning routine – and I’m tired of it! Discomfort is the greatest motivator, and I am definitely uncomfortable with starting my day in a sluggish way.

When looking for a solution, it’s always a good idea to start by looking at what has worked before. In the past, I have felt the most productive when I set the alarm for 5:30 am like Grace and immediately get up out of bed. The next important step is that I didn’t go back to bed! It’s such a temptation to go to the bathroom and crawl back under the covers. During my most productive time, I immediately got out of bed and shuffled to the dining room to work on my first online course.

Like Tony, I also like pausing before my feet hit the floor and thinking about things that I am grateful for. Then I think about what I want to accomplish that day and see myself doing those things with grace and ease. Tony also does a variation of that. Then I remind myself that the Universe supports me in all that I put my mind to. I firmly believe that God helps those who help themselves by taking steps toward a goal.

I have started drinking celery juice every morning. I pull out the juicer and juice one or two bunches of celery. The tinnitus that I’ve had since high school abates if I am consistent about drinking celery juice. I heard about the benefits of celery juice from The Medical Medium. He may or may not be your thing, but the plant-based diet that he advocates has helped me a lot.

I am also a water proponent. The celery juice works better on an empty stomach, so I drink a big glass of water about an hour before the celery juice. Coffee comes after that. Several studies recommend drinking coffee an hour or two after you wake up. (Our natural cortisol levels are highest in the morning. Cortisol gets us up and moving and if we double dose with coffee, the result can be anxiety. Cortisol levels fall off around 9:30 so that’s when coffee would be most helpful.)

I am not much of an exerciser in the morning. I like to get work done when I am mentally fresh. I do a few stretches in bed and while sitting on the edge of the bed, but that’s about it for the morning.

What helps me most is deciding the night before on exactly what I am going to do in the morning. It saves me from dithering, which is such a time-waster for me. I am an advocate of starting your morning routine the night before. I find that my brain works on stuff while I am asleep, and I wake up with some fabulous ideas.

Breathing, water (with or without lemon), meditation, prayer, loving kindness meditation (oooh, I might add that one), setting a positive intention, stretching, journaling, and exercise are all great ideas for a morning routine. The key is to decide and do it. No dithering allowed.

So here is my new plan:

  1. Alarm goes off at 5:30 am.
  2. Immediately drink a big glass of water or lemon water.
  3. Do some easy stretching in the bed and then on the edge of the bed.
  4. While sitting, I think I will try a variation of Tony’s routine, which will include some fast breathing, gratitude, the loving kindness meditation, and visualizing the tasks of the day in a positive way.
  5. Work until 6:30, and then juice some celery and drink it.
  6. At least another hour of uninterrupted work.
  7. Easy breakfast. (My favorite is fruit crumble that I make up in big batches. Delicious!)
  8. Coffee break around 9 am, and I am done with the morning routine!

What you do doesn’t matter as much as doing it consistently. Great leaders are positive and have enough self-discipline to follow through on plans that they know will help them move forward. A morning routine is great practice for emotional intelligence and a wonderful foundation for the feelings of accomplishment that come from achieving meaningful goals. I am in!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Regret Ruler

07 Tuesday Jul 2020

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I am having difficulty with some of my COVID-19-related decisions, and it’s unusual for me to have any trouble deciding. Decision making is one of my superpowers!

It’s important to consider our values and priorities when making decisions. I think of them as rulers. When I’m trying to make a choice, I hold up my values ruler and see which option is most in alignment with my values. Whatever is important to me right now also needs to be taken into consideration – that’s the priorities ruler.

We each have several rulers that we use when making decisions. Another significant ruler is the impression management ruler. We all want to be seen by others in a certain way. We do what we can to manage other people’s impressions of us to ensure we are seen as we want to be seen. For example, I want to be seen as professional and smart, so I do things that enhance that image. We always hold our impression management ruler up to any decision and consider whether or not it will enhance the image we want to project.

Lately, those rulers are not helping. I find myself faced with two choices, and neither one of them feels like a great choice. For example, one friend has invited me out to eat. I like her and really miss going to restaurants. I haven’t eaten out since early March. However, I don’t feel like going to a restaurant is a great idea for me right now. I am in one of the higher risk categories for COVID-19, and I just don’t want it. I don’t want to expose anyone to it, either.

Going or not going to a restaurant isn’t a huge decision; it’s just an example. However, it still gives me pause. I can hear that my friend is disappointed when I refuse. I want to be a good friend and see her, but I just feel uncomfortable about going. It’s not a value, priority, or impression management issue so I pull out the big guns – my regret ruler.

If the choices seem equally terrible or uncomfortable, I ask myself which one I will regret more now, in a few days, in a year, and in five years. The key is to determine which choice creates the most long-term regret and avoid it. Clearly, I will immediately regret not going out for a fun evening with someone I like. However, if one of us falls ill or if I carry COVID-19 to a family member, the regret would be greater – and long-lasting.

Of course, there is uncertainty involved. I could go to dinner and come back with nothing but a full stomach. I look at worst-case scenarios and the amount of risk. Once again, it’s a judgment call, but if I do a gut-check, I could not live with myself if I gave a potentially fatal disease to a family member in order to go out to dinner. I would also feel deep regret if I caught it and became a toxic burden to others. The amount of regret that I would feel is simply not worth the risk.

Like the values, priorities, and impression management rulers, the regret ruler is very personal – as is risk assessment. The variations in our regret rulers and risk assessment seem to be major contributors to the differences of opinion that are rampant in our society right now.

I am reminded of a video that I watched of several different people intentionally coughing on others to show the intensity of their disagreement on the issue of masks. For the record, that sort of behavior is unacceptable, and those people are definitely not great leaders. In my estimation, they aren’t great humans. They lack emotional intelligence, which starts with self-awareness and self-control.

As leaders, we examine our choices and our rulers, and then manage ourselves to ensure our behaviors are always respectful towards others, no matter how different their rulers are from ours.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Questions Are the Answer

16 Tuesday Jun 2020

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In the final class of my MBA program, we had to do a presentation. I can’t remember exactly what my partner and I did, but it was some sort of business case analysis. We worked long and hard on our presentation.

We presented to the rest of the class – who were in competition with us. The goal of the class was to make the presenters look as bad and incompetent as possible. Not the best organizational behavior set up to foster goodwill.

There was one other woman in the class besides me. She was outspoken. When our presentation was over, she started asking questions that felt a lot like bait. She was subtly trying to get our goat. My young partner rose to the challenge almost immediately. I remember putting a hand on his shoulder as he began a heated retort. I said, “Wait, let’s be clear about what she is asking before we answer.”

I can’t remember her initial question exactly, but it was something like, “You honestly believe it’s a good idea to have people blah, blah, blah?” What she finished with isn’t important. Then, I turned to her and asked her to clarify.

I asked something like, “What exactly do you think is a problem about having people blah, blah, blah?” She huffed and said it was obvious. I told her that it wasn’t obvious to me and that in order to properly answer her objections, I needed to know exactly what she was objecting to. I asked, “Which part of our analysis do you believe to be faulty and why?”

She sputtered and backed down. She didn’t have anything specific. She was just trying to get us to lose our tempers. It was in that moment that I realized the power of questions. It was well before I started coach training that confirmed that belief. Questions are almost always the answer when facing difficult times and decisions. They also work pretty well on bullies.

The most important thing to remember when using questions is that you must sound sincere in the asking. Any hint of sarcasm and you are done for. Tone of voice is the difference between successfully asking “Please tell me specifically what your objections are to that plan” to create a dialogue and creating ill will and resentment. As leaders, it’s important to maintain an authentic curiosity about what the other person is thinking and feeling.

Coaching is all about helping people figure out their best path forward. Coaches do that by first raising a client’s awareness around a topic and then creating accountability for action. The action part is not usually the problem, it’s deciding what to do that can be a challenge when facing complex issues.

We can coach ourselves a bit during these challenging times by asking ourselves some questions. Here are some of my favorites:

  • Which one of your values is the most important to uphold in this situation?
  • Which one of your values feels challenged in this situation?
  • What is the single most important consideration?
  • How do you want to be remembered when this situation is over?
  • If you could wave a magic wand and create the perfect outcome, what would it look like? What is the most powerful action that you could take to help achieve that outcome?
  • What would make this decision easier?
  • What are the unknowns right now?
  • Who else will be affected by your decision?
  • How can you help others?
  • Who can help you?
  • What would you regret doing? Not doing?

We can use these questions for something as easy as whether or not to wear a mask in public. I do wear a mask because I feel that the most important thing for me to do is to protect others. I could be pre-symptomatic and not know it at any time. I would wholly regret giving COVID-19 to someone else – even unknowingly. To me, it’s a simple action that I can take to care for others. Caring and helping others is one of my core values.

People who don’t wear masks make their decisions based on different values and considerations. I don’t know what they are for sure, but I would guess from what I’ve heard and read that freedom is an important consideration for them, or perhaps not showing fear or weakness. I am not criticizing their decision. We all must do things in alignment with our values that are based on the information that we have.

I recently visited several gun shops. I was the only person in every store who was wearing a mask. Well, one guy walked in wearing a mask, looked around, then took it off. Blending in, or what other people thought of him, seemed to be his guiding principle.

I did not take my mask off in any of the gun shops because I am very clear about why I am wearing it. I give myself some modicum of protection, hence I am protecting the people that are in my inner circle. I am also protecting everyone in the gun shop by keeping my respiratory spray to myself. It doesn’t matter to me what everyone else is doing. What matters to me is following my own values and doing what feels right to me. No regrets.

There are a million different ways to assess a decision and decide how to act because each of us has our own unique Frame of Reference. The key is to clearly understand our own Frame of Reference and act in ways that will make us look back on our actions proudly. As great leaders, we also want to feel confident that we are helping more than hurting.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Stress and Polyvagal Theory (Part 2)

19 Tuesday May 2020

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In the last blog, we talked about Polyvagal Theory. If you’re back, I didn’t scare you off with the science stuff. In brief, our autonomic nervous system has three states: dorsal vagal (Down in a Hole), sympathetic nervous system (Superman on High Alert), and ventral vagal (Victory). It is important to know what the three states are and how they feel to us individually.

And we took care of all that last week! So if we think of the three states as being on a ladder – as suggested by Deb Dana in her book The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy – how do we move up the ladder?

First, we don’t jump from the bottom to the top of the ladder. We go up or down one rung at a time. It’s important to realize that we aren’t going to suddenly become joyful if we are depressed.

However, there are a bunch of things that we can do to help move our autonomic nervous system to the ventral vagal state. These things can also help us stay there. I’ve already implemented several and feel that my mental state is much improved. Here is a list:

1. Breath/Meditation. Emotions and respiration are linked. We can influence our emotions by paying attention to our breath. We become mindful and focus only on our breath in the moment. Deep, full breaths help us calm down and move to the ventral vagal state. Note: A deep, full breath starts with a complete exhale to empty the lungs.

Meditation is another form of mindfulness. One meditation, in particular, has tons of research about its benefits for the person meditating and the person the meditator is concentrating on. You can read about it here and also find lots of guided loving-kindness meditations if you search online. Know that regular practice of the loving-kindness meditation can have a profound effect on your health and mental well-being.

2. Sound/Music. Pleasant sounds can improve our mood and outlook. It’s fun to figure out what makes us feel more positive. I like the sound of a babbling brook. I had a candle that was also a small fountain, and I miss its soothing sound. I am looking for another one.

Music is especially powerful. I asked my leadership workshop participants to send me a song that lifted their spirits, and I created a playlist. I enjoy some of the songs that they sent. Others just don’t do it for me. I find that our choice of music that moves us up the autonomic nervous system ladder is very individual. There isn’t one song for everyone.

I do have a happy playlist on my phone. I add to it every time I hear a song that energizes me. When I need some motivation, I listen to my happy songs. Never try to rationalize your choice of songs. If it makes your heart feel lighter, it’s good. I have Barry Manilow and disco on my list. No one gets to judge your happy playlist!

Singing music is another way to lift your spirits. There is research that we connect with each other when we sing together. COVID-19 has put a damper on that for now, but keep it in mind. Singing in the church choir is good for your spirit and your autonomic state.

3. Temperature. This one is new to me. When I was firmly ensconced in the sympathetic nervous system state, I was cold much of the time. Turns out, that’s not uncommon. I have an electric throw blanket that I keep by my favorite chair. The warmth of the blanket is also heartwarming; its comfort helps us up a rung or two on the ladder.

4. Nature. No one can say exactly why, but humans are rejuvenated when in nature. It doesn’t have to be bug-filled, scary nature deep in the woods. It can just be a tree or a houseplant.

When I first moved into my condo, it felt like a hotel room. After months of living here, it still didn’t feel like home. Then I started adding plants. I now have a lot of plants, and I love them! I remember the day that I came home, unconsciously bracing for the resistance I felt at calling the condo home. I opened the door and saw all of the plants. I felt my shoulders relax, which is a sure sign that I am moving up the ladder towards the ventral vagal state.

GHF5. Art/Creative Endeavors. The feeling of being in flow when engrossed in some sort of creative activity is awesome. There is a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction for me. Somewhere I read about filling a space completely with color. It doesn’t matter how. I picked a large index card and had fun filling it with color. Here is one of my creations. It doesn’t have to be great art to help you feel great.

6. Movement. Research shows that walking for 30 minutes each day is more effective than taking medication for depression. Moving helps – even the smallest bit of motion! Stretching up to the ceiling each time that you stand can be a good start.

Honestly, in the beginning of regaining my positivity, movement seemed like too big a chore. It wasn’t until I’d enacted some of the other things and had begun to see a light at the end of the tunnel that I began to move.

I am currently doing Richard Hittleman’s Yoga: 28 Day Exercise Plan from a very old book. My mom and I used to do it in the summer. I feel so much better and stronger when I do some light stretching and exercise each day.

If you are an avid exerciser, I am preaching to the choir!

7. Smells. Smells of all kinds can create strong emotional reactions. Certain aromas can bring back a flood of memories. We also know that diffusing essential oils can encourage various states of mind. If you search online for essential oils that create a peaceful feeling, several come up over and over again. Ylang ylang, spearmint, and orange are just a few. I am a fan of Sacred Frankincense. It’s fun to sniff and blend to find a combo that relaxes your shoulders and makes you feel lighter.

8. Connection. I have saved the most powerful action for last. In order to reach and maintain the ventral vagal state, we need to feel a nurturing connection with others. Dana writes, “The autonomic nervous systems of two individuals find sanctuary in a co-created experience of connection.” Wow. Sanctuary. That is powerful.

I will confess to resisting the idea that I need others to create happiness for myself. Certainly, I enjoy my family and friends but didn’t think of them as an absolute necessity for my own sense of well-being. Well, biology has proven me wrong, and I accept it. Mostly because I intentionally reached out to others when I was feeling very low and, as a result, feel much better.

a. Circle of friends. One day my sister was talking about her friends and how she saw them in three circles. The closest circle are friends who live near her whom she sees often. The next circle is people she cares about, but who are more distant – geographically or emotionally. The third circle is mostly acquaintances. Then there are other people outside her three circles that she knows.

I decided to do that exercise on a piece of paper. I encourage you to do the same. I did mine a little differently. I started with all the friends who live near me, people that I can visit. In the second circle I put close friends who don’t live near me. They are people I talk with often. The third circle is people I care about, but who I don’t see or talk with regularly. Everyone else is out there beyond my circles.

Then I started revising my lists. I only have about three people who are close friends who live near me. They went into their own inner circle. The rest of the geographically close people are ones who I want to nurture a closer friendship with.

In addition to being nurturing, a relationship must also be reciprocal in order to help us maintain the ventral vagal state. One of us may need more support for a time, and then the other. However, overall our relationship is balanced if we have reciprocity.

Look at the people in your circles. Does the relationship include heartfelt listening and responding? Is it balanced? Do you feel a nurturing sense of connection with this person? If the answer is no to any of these questions, chances are pretty good that they are not helping you maintain the ventral vagal state. Don’t depend on them for that.

If the answer is yes to all of them, reach out and connect with that person more often. Make time with them a priority. Your emotional state depends on it.

After I created my list, I got on the phone and made social-distance dates with two friends that I hadn’t seen in person for a while. Both were outside in nature – bonus. We sat six to eight feet from each other and had a great time chatting. I’ve kept up contacting people, and I cannot adequately describe how I feel now compared to how I was. My outlook is more positive, and I have more energy. People can help. Who knew?

b. Meet them where they are. It’s important to know that anyone stuck in either of the lower two states is missing a big chunk of their adult-thinking ability. In the ventral vagal state we are open-minded, creative, and capable of compassion and self-compassion. Those things are biologically unavailable to someone stuck in fight-or-flight. Once again – wow. It explains a lot of the behavior that we have been seeing since the pandemic started. Fear keeps us from listening fully and thinking clearly. Whether it’s someone in your circles or not, maintain some reasonable expectations if they are stuck in the sympathetic nervous system state.

c. Establish psychological safety. Every time that we have an interaction with someone, we ask, “Is it safe to engage with this person in this moment in this place?” We are asking if we feel psychologically safe. Anyone hanging out with me for any length of time knows that psychological safety is one of my favorite soapboxes. You can read a lot about psychological safety in my blogs.

Essentially, we want to tell others with our facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and consistent, reasonable actions that we are safe to talk with and reliable.

d. Be the help. The balance that we are looking for when our ventral vagal system is in charge is called homeostasis. In order to achieve and maintain homeostasis, we need the help of others. Once we have managed to make a ventral vagal state our home base, we can help others achieve it. Our regulated autonomic nervous system can help others regulate theirs. It sounds cold and sciency, but it really means listening in a heartfelt way that supports others as they climb the autonomic nervous state ladder one rung at a time.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Stress and Polyvagal Theory (Part 1)

12 Tuesday May 2020

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I was recently talking to a friend who is also a coach. I said to her, “I think I just need to accept the fact that I am an angry old woman. I am angry all the time!”

Her response was, “Me, too!”

I know enough to be leery of my own self-assessments, but I also know that my friend is not normally an angry person. I started listening to how other people were feeling. Many friends and acquaintances talked about not sleeping well and being short-tempered. Others felt panicky or depressed. It wasn’t just me!

Of course, the obvious answer is that we are all under a lot of stress during a pandemic. Duh! The bigger question is “what can we do about it”? Before we can come up with an action plan, we need a useful way to look at stress and its effects on our bodies.

As is often the case, I found the answer on my bookshelf. It’s not unusual for me to order books on a topic and have them sit on the shelf for a while. Then, suddenly I will want the information in them. Sitting on my shelf this time were two books on polyvagal theory.

Don’t run off! When I say “polyvagal theory,” people’s eyes glaze over, and they check out on me. Please don’t. The topic sounds dry and boring, but it gives us handles that we can use to move around and examine our pandemic stress.

I am going to un-science polyvagal theory a bit. If you are familiar with it, don’t mess with me for simplifying it. It’s important to me to make it useful. Here goes.

Part of our nervous system works on its own to regulate our basic bodily functions, like heartbeat, breath, and digestion. It’s called our autonomic nervous system. Our autonomic nervous system operates in three basic states.

When we are depressed, hopeless, or without energy, we are in the dorsal vagal state. Think of it as down in a hole. The world looks bleak, and we disassociate from other people when we are down in the hole.

When we are frightened or angry, our sympathetic nervous system has taken over. Most of us know it as the “fight or flight” state. We are on high alert, anxious, and expending a lot of energy. We are also angry a lot of the time about almost anything. I think of it as Superman on High Alert, looking for danger and bad guys.

Of course, neither of those is the state that we want to be in. We want to be peaceful and feel empathy. We want to be engaged and passionate while acting with compassion towards ourselves and others. That highest state is the ventral vagal state. Think “V” for victory. When we are in the ventral vagal state, we are more creative and open-minded.

autonomic state ladder

In one book that I read called The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy, author Deb Dana uses a ladder to visualize the three states. I like her metaphor and highly recommend her book if you want to learn more about polyvagal theory.

So here is a ladder with the three states. We move up and down the ladder one rung at a time. It’s not unusual to move through the three states many times during a day. However, we want to make the ventral vagal state at the top our home base.

Staying in the ventral vagal state can be a challenge right now because of COVID-19, which has moved us all down a rung or two from where we usually hang out. Even if I am usually in a ventral vagal state, our new normal is scary and unnerving. Moving down to the sympathetic nervous or dorsal vagal state is completely understandable.

So, what can we do to move up a rung or two when we feel anxious or depressed? Dana has some great suggestions in her book, and I have already used several to help myself become less angry and more at peace. I also have a few ideas of my own. Tune in next week for a list of suggestions!

In the meantime, practice noticing what state you are in at any given moment. Awareness is the first step!

 

 

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Lower the Bar

05 Tuesday May 2020

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It’s unusual for a leadership coach and trainer to advocate lowering one’s standards, but these are unusual times. I talk about situational leadership in workshops all the time. As leaders, we must change our style to fit the experience of the people who we are leading and the importance of the task being done. Now I’m promoting situational standards.

I am not talking about changing our moral code. The standards that we hold for ourselves involving integrity, honesty, and transparency must not waver. I am talking about goals and expectations that we set for ourselves around achievement.

At the beginning of self-isolation, I created an ambitious list of things to accomplish both professionally and around my condo. I had categories and priorities. It was actually quite impressive! And I ignored it for the most part. I did what needed to be done, but not much more.

I beat myself up about my lack of motivation and achievement and then realized that I was truly doing the best that I could under the circumstances. I also realized that self-shaming was not helping. So, I lowered the bar on how I spent my time and how I felt.

First, I allowed myself to slow down quite a bit. Instead of maintaining a frenetic sense of achievement where I was always accomplishing something, I sat for short periods of time watching television or playing my beloved Plants vs. Zombies. I even added Sudoku to my repertoire. I still did what was necessary, but at a slower pace with more breaks. My productivity increased because I was more relaxed.

I also began with ambitious fitness goals that included using my stretchy resistance bands. I realized pretty quickly that those goals weren’t going to happen. The bands are still unstretched. So, I lowered the bar. When I stood up from working at the computer, I did five squats. When I passed through a doorway, I did 10 push-ups against the frame.

It doesn’t sound like much exercise, but even a little movement is an excellent antidote to malaise. When you start, you feel better. Then you can take on bigger goals. Now I’m incorporating yoga into my daily routine.

I am also talking about giving ourselves a break in maintaining our professional, calm demeanor. Of course, we never want to lose our cool, but these are some stressful times that challenge us physiologically (which we will discuss next week). When we feel that we are about to say or do something that could damage a relationship, it’s okay to call for a break or take a walk. We leaders are humans, with limits that are lower in stressful times.

If we do say or do something that we regret, it’s important to acknowledge it, apologize, and revisit the discussion in a calmer way. It’s best to apologize immediately and ask for a break, but if that’s not possible for you, those steps can be taken after stepping away and calming down.

Of course, all of this applies at home, as well. Right now, we are spending an inordinate amount of time with family. It’s natural to get on one another’s nerves. Add on the stressful feelings we all have about the pandemic, and we have created a volatile emotional cocktail. I can only imagine the added stress of homeschooling. I did homeschool my boys for a few years and know the work it involves under normal circumstances. I feel great empathy for parents. You can do this!

Our world is already different, and great leaders change as needed. We will come out on the other side as transformed as our society. None of us knows exactly what that will look like, but it’s important to give ourselves a break during the transition.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

60th Birthday Reflections

31 Tuesday Mar 2020

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Today is my 60th birthday. Birthdays that end in “0” make us want to reflect on our lives and our accomplishments. I am no exception – and I have more time than usual for some introspection. Here is my list of life lessons learned:

1. Let kindness and honesty be your guides. These two considerations must be taken together. Brutal honesty all the time is not kind, and not necessary. On the flipside, we can believe that leaving someone in the dark is kind, but honesty is usually much better. There is a balance to consider.

I keep way more things to myself than I did in my younger years. No one wants or needs to hear my opinions on every little thing. However, sometimes I feel a need to speak up. The questions I ask myself are: “Will knowing this help the other person in the long run?” and “Am I saying it for them or for my own ego?”

Everyone has to make their own decisions on how much honesty is kind. I tend to lean toward truth and appreciate it when others do the same with me. In my experience, people figure stuff out eventually. When they discover that you’ve known all along, there is a breach of trust that can never be fully repaired. Trust is the commodity of relationships.

2. Exercise self-control. Exercise is the appropriate word here because the more we use our self-control, the stronger it gets. Without self-control, we can’t honor #1 on the list because we are always blurting and giving in to our ego’s needs.

The big regrets that I have in life are when I lost my temper and lashed out at someone. It doesn’t happen often anymore, but I still feel bad about a few times when I lost control and yelled at my children when they were young.

3. Self-care is crucial. We cannot exercise self-control and make intentional choices around kindness and honesty if we don’t take care of ourselves. My biggest losses of self-control happened when several things in life were not going well. Stress puts us on edge and robs us of our ability to see the big picture and choose our words and actions wisely.

The antidote for stress is self-care, which will look different for each of us. For some people, self-care includes running or walking. For others, it means writing or drawing. We all need to have more than one self-care technique in our lives that allows us to center and regroup. Meditation is one great self-care technique that has tons of research proving its benefits.

4. Spend your emotional pennies wisely. I try not to spend emotional pennies on things that I cannot influence or control. If I can control it, I can change it. If I can influence it, I must decide if changing the thing is worth the emotional pennies that it will cost.

The most helpful phrase for me when conserving emotional pennies is “the chair is a chair.” You can read my blog on the quote from Triggers by Marshall Goldsmith. Basically, it means that certain people and situations are not going to change, and it’s best for me if I accept that.

5. Connect with others. I learned this one late in life. We humans crave connection with each other. I have always accepted the value of rugged individualism and was determined in my youth to make it on my own. Sixty years have shown me that it is impossible to make it on your own. Success happens with the support of a community.

Happiness also happens with the support of a community. The micro-moments of positivity we share with others are one type of building block we need to build a positive outlook on life.

6. Prepare for the worst, but expect the best. I am a firm believer in being prepared if everything goes to hell in a handbasket. However, I don’t believe in dwelling on the possibility. It’s important to assess, prepare, and then focus on a positive outcome that we want.

I ordered gloves and masks well before there was a shortage and then went on not thinking about it. I bought an extra six-pack of toilet paper at the grocery store while plenty was on the shelf but didn’t stress about it.

On a grander scale, when I was a stay-at-home mom, I put the utilities in my name to build credit. I went back to school and got my MBA. My goal was to be able to jump to self-sufficiency if anything happened to my then-husband. He would get irritated with me and insist I expected the worst of him. I pointed out that he could be hit by a bus on any given day. The fact that he was in the Army made his demise more likely than many others.

However, I never dwelt on the possibilities of my ex’s death or infidelity. I just prepared for the worst and went on living life and expecting everything to go well. The worst did eventually happen. I am grateful for a life of not expecting it – and for being prepared so I could move to self-sufficiency with relative ease.

7. Work to be vulnerable and loving despite the cruel blows that you will suffer. First, everyone suffers cruel blows in life. Cruel blows are a part of life. I’ve learned that it’s best to expect them and to not take them as personal affronts. Suffering disappointment, humiliation, and failure makes us human and more empathetic to the plight of others. Suffering is also an opportunity for growth.

And if you just scoffed or huffed at me, I totally get it. It sounds like a superficial platitude to me, as well, but that doesn’t make it any less true. I chose the word “work” for a reason. As far as I am concerned, putting my heart out on the line, knowing it will be crushed again, is work. It’s not easy at all and it’s a constant challenge.

Brenė Brown’s research on vulnerability helps me. She talks about the courage required to put yourself out there as a possible target for ridicule and deception. Maintaining that courage is work, but it’s worthwhile work. We cannot live a life full of joy and accomplishment if we live safely protecting our hearts. She talks a lot about this quote from Theodore Roosevelt:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

As I look back over the last 60 years, I haven’t been timid very often, but I have become bitter at times. Since I’m reviewing things that greatly influenced how I live, I feel I must include these charts from Richard Rohr, a Franciscan friar ordained to the priesthood of the Roman Catholic Church.

Men's Journey (Rohr)

Women's Journey (Rohr)

Side note: These graphs depict different paths for men and women. I believe that this is because of how we are socialized, not because of major, inherent differences. I also hope that younger women find that their path is not so different as the one Rohr describes for men. I can’t speak to their experiences, but the graph resonates with me and my experience in many ways.

I discovered these graphs in my oldest son’s coat pocket when I was in my late 40s. (I was about to wash his coat per his request – not snooping!) They changed the trajectory of my life. I could see clearly that if I did not change, I was headed for the Embittering Journey, and I didn’t want to end my life bitter and resentful. I worked to embrace joy and acceptance.

Now at 60, I find myself in danger of becoming the “Witch on Her Broom” who is filled with rage. The last bit – “going nowhere – except to blame others and protect herself” – is a particular danger for me right now. That’s why Brown’s writings about vulnerability resonate with me.

My life lessons list, which is as much a list of goals for living my life as anything else, is a result of wanting to become a Holy Fool. I want to “live with paradox and mystery, with compassion and forgiveness.”

I know all of those things are mine if I make some intentional choices. I love the Magic Wand of Destiny!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

 

 

The PERSONAL Integrity Test of COVID-19

24 Tuesday Mar 2020

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Last week I talked about the importance of businesses maintaining customers’ trust during the current pandemic. Now, I want to get a little more personal. Let’s talk about our actions as leaders. So far, many of the examples during this crisis are not good.

The most heinous and trust-busting actions have come from our elected officials. There is a group of senators who knew of the coming pandemic. Did they take actions to prepare the United States of America? Did they consider the health of their own constituents? Nope. They sold stocks. They knew the market would crash, and they took care of themselves and a few wealthy donors.

In case you aren’t clear, this is horrendous leadership behavior. It is actually outrageous. Our response to this sort of action by our leaders should be outrage! Leaders have power, and with great power comes great responsibility. I cannot think of a punishment great enough for people who put personal monetary gain over the health of people depending on them. Seriously. This is an epic leadership fail for the ages.

The examples go down in the seriousness of their consequences, but not the display of bad judgment. Jeff Bezos owns Amazon, which owns Whole Foods, and he makes $8,961,187 an hour. He sent out a memo to Whole Foods employees, urging them to share paid time off with employees who become ill. Hmmm. This is a double-whammy of bad judgment.

First, grocery store employees are part of our frontline. We all need food and depend on grocery stores to provide it. Bezos can easily afford to cover paid sick leave for anyone who falls ill during the pandemic. In this instance, he is not taking care of the people who create his wealth or earning their loyalty or trust.

As a Whole Foods customer, I feel he isn’t doing much for me, either. He is encouraging people to work while they are sick, because no one wants to go without pay if they can avoid it. As a result, he is putting my health at risk by not ensuring that only very healthy people are handling my food. He has lost my trust as a customer, as well. He doesn’t seem to think that I or his employees matter very much.

I get a lot of emails from what I call the “Woowoo Community.” Some of the people in it have made a lot of money helping people feel better about themselves and even feeling better through alternative health options. I’m seeing a lot of “We’re in this together, so I am offering my deal at half off.” Hmmm. How generous. These are people who claim to care about my well-being but are really looking at the pandemic as a marketing opportunity. Shame on you! Offer your deal for free if you really want to help. Otherwise, keep it the same price and stop pretending that you care about my well-being.

I could go on and on with truly outrageous examples of poor leadership during this time of vulnerability. I think that it is high time that we got outraged about a lot of it! Leaders acting without integrity is one of the things that pushes my buttons and invites me to throw a lot of emotional pennies in a very forceful way. I’m working on using my emotional pennies in ways that will move us all forward to a good outcome. Sometimes it’s about using emotional pennies wisely for a good cause, not trying to avoid spending any at all.

However, there are some bright spots out there. One is Brené Brown. A recent Facebook post from her is below. I agree with her assessment and advice 100%.

brene brown FB

Down on the frontlines, there are examples of humans being humane. These are true leaders. All of our healthcare workers and their families are making great sacrifices for the greater good. One of our local mayors is working tirelessly, and with a little ferocity, to make sure people don’t go hungry. Someone in my condo association put up a message offering to deliver food or run errands for anyone unable to go out. Even those who stay home are showing integrity and care for others. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to face ourselves without any distractions.

Here is the bottom line:

  • Leaders with great power have a huge responsibility to use that power for the good of all – not just personal gain. I don’t mind people making money, but it should never be at someone else’s expense. And no one should ever receive personal gain through the abuse of power given to them as an elected official.
  • Those of us without great power can make a difference by holding leaders responsible for their actions. It’s important that we call out outrageous and unacceptable behavior.
  • Lastly, we can help. We are all leaders, and as Brené Brown says: “Our choices affect everyone around us. There is no such thing as ‘individual risk’ or ‘individual wellness.’”

Our best choices are kindness, compassion, and a dogged determination to ensure our leaders – with power and information that we do not have – act appropriately for the good of us all.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Integrity and Your Golden Ruler

10 Tuesday Mar 2020

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NOTE: This is a blog that I wrote back in 2015, but the topic has come up a lot lately.

We are happier, more confident, and more successful when we live in alignment with our values. Imagine a ruler that shows the values that are most important to you. I call mine my Golden Ruler.

Ideally, we want to hold each action that we are considering against our Golden Ruler and see if the action is in alignment with our values. For example, kindness is one of my main values. I want to be kind and be known as a kind person. However, I have a tendency to be a little snarky and sarcastic sometimes. I’m hilarious when I’m snarky, but the laugh is short-lived and I don’t feel good about the action because it’s not in alignment with my values. If I stop and ask myself, “Am I about to say something unkind?” I am measuring my possible action against my Golden Ruler. I feel better about myself and my life when my actions are in alignment with the values of my Golden Ruler.

In my leadership seminars, we talk about our values quite a bit. It’s important to know what your Golden Ruler looks like! We talk about how we want to be remembered when we are gone and what qualities we want to define us. We talk about specific examples of how we live those values. Then I ask them to tell a partner about one time when they didn’t live their values.

Without fail, everyone has to tell the story around the action. They explain why they “had” to do what they did that one time. They RATIONALIZE the behavior. That’s the red flag. If you hear yourself rationalizing a behavior, you are convincing yourself to go against your own values. You aren’t rationalizing behavior that goes against my values or your neighbor’s values, you are rationalizing to yourself in order to make it OK to violate your own values. This was a major revelation for me.

The concept really hit home for me when I was working with a particularly difficult group. This group was always late. Management did not support the training. People drifted in and out and no one really paid attention. It was the worst group I ever encountered in a decade of training in industry. When I was getting ready for one of our sessions I thought, “Why am I bothering to prepare? They are never on time. They don’t really care. There is no good reason for me to spend time prepping for them.” Wow. Then it hit me. Being prepared and professional is important to me; it’s who I am! I was letting other people’s actions and attitudes influence my actions. I was letting them influence who I was and how I showed up in the world. Scary!

The phrase I use in leadership workshops is “Rationalization is bad judgment’s best friend.” We use bad judgment when we violate our own code of conduct and make it OK by rationalizing it. Rationalizing a behavior helps us sidestep that fact that we are using bad judgment.

Acting in alignment with the values on our Golden Ruler is acting with integrity. We are doing what we feel is right no matter what the circumstances are. Integrity is a solid, constant thing that lives within us. We are happier, more fulfilled, and more successful when we remember that we have the power to choose our actions no matter what the rest of the world is doing.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Better to Be Warm or Competent?

03 Tuesday Mar 2020

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Research shows that we determine how we feel about leaders based on two factors: how lovable they are, and how fearsome they are. These two dimensions account for 90% of the impression that a leader makes on us.

Lovability includes things like warmth, communion, and trustworthiness. Fearsomeness includes strength, agency, competence, and confidence. According to a Harvard Business Review article by Amy Cuddy, Matthew Kohut, and John Neffinger (titled “Connect, Then Lead”), we care about these two qualities because they answer two important questions:

  1. What are this person’s intentions toward me?
  2. Is he or she capable of acting on those intentions?

I know many leaders who actively work to project strength and competence. I don’t see as many who worry about how warm they seem. According to the research, they are missing the boat.

Leaders who are competent but lack warmth can elicit envy in others. Envy creates both respect and resentment. We will follow that type of leader but judge any missteps harshly. In addition, we don’t trust leaders who don’t seem to care about us. We are more likely to fear them, and fear makes us less creative and less resilient. A leader who inhibits people’s problem-solving abilities can’t be classified as extraordinary.

The research shows that it is better to start with warmth in order to create a positive and lasting influence. Our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. When leaders meet those personal needs, they help to create trust and the positive relationships upon which great leadership depends.

I found one study by organizational psychologists Andrea Abele and Bogdan Wojciszke particularly telling. When leaders were asked what type of training they would like for themselves, they chose training based on competency and skills. When asked what training others should take, they picked soft-skills training.

In another experiment, they asked leaders to describe an event that shaped their self-image. They listed achievements that highlighted their competency and knowledge – things like earning an advanced degree or a pilot’s license. When asked to describe a similar event for someone else, they chose something that focused on the person’s warmth and generosity – things like volunteer activities and helping others.

I’m not sure why we don’t value compassion and generosity in ourselves. Maybe we believe that we have it already. From working with scores of leaders, and quite a bit of work on myself, I know that we rarely have an accurate self-image.

Here is a quote from “Connect, Then Lead” that helps to explain the power of warmth:

“But putting competence first undermines leadership: Without a foundation of trust, people in the organization may comply outwardly with a leader’s wishes, but they’re much less likely to conform privately – to adopt the values, culture, and mission of the organization in a sincere, lasting way. Workplaces lacking in trust often have a culture of ‘every employee for himself,’ in which people feel that they must be vigilant about protecting their interests.”

The authors are describing psychological safety! One of my favorite soapbox topics! Without psychological safety, teams, groups, and organizations cannot excel. The authors tell us that one way to promote psychological safety is to lead with warmth and show people that we care about them.

They describe the ideal as a “Happy Warrior” who starts by showing warmth and then demonstrates their competence and strength. Cuddy, Kohut, and Neffinger write, “Happy warriors reassure us that whatever changes we may face, things will work out in the end.” Not many people love change, but we face it with more ease when we believe that our leader has our back.

The bottom line is that we willingly follow leaders whom we trust to have our best interests at heart and who also have the strength and competence to be effective.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.