Category Archives: Emotional Intelligence

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) Thinking-Feeling Scale

22 Tuesday Sep 2020

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We’ve been discussing the MBTI. We talked about the history and overview of the instrument and then the important considerations of the Extrovert-Introvert scale. Last week, we talked about the Sensing-Intuitive scale, which describes how we perceive the world. Now, let’s discuss the Thinking-Feeling scale, which describes the values that we use to judge the world.

Thinking types (T’s) are rational and logical. In their minds, fair decisions are consistent and take the circumstances into account. T’s will maintain principles of fairness, even if it means losing a relationship. T’s believe that it’s important to be honest and aren’t always tactful.

T’s are logical and fair-minded. They value consistency and consider it more important to be truthful than tactful. T’s tend to discount someone’s feelings if they can’t back them up with logic. They like to be known for their accomplishments.

Feeling types (F’s) place emphasis on harmony and relationships. A person’s individual situation must be taken into account when making a decision. F’s feel that harmony and relationships are more important than arbitrary judgments of what is “right.”

F’s always consider the effect of an action on others. They are empathetic and value harmony. They like to please others, and they show their appreciation easily. F’s believe that feelings are valid; it doesn’t matter if they make sense or not. Relationships are more important than rules.

F’s can bring some important insights to a decision. It is okay to sometimes bend the rules for someone. Showing mercy and humanity can go a long way to create efficient working relationships.

Differences in the T-F scale can lead to serious disagreements. T’s and F’s use completely different criteria to make decisions.

F’s sometimes see T’s as heartless freight trains roaring down on them. A T’s blunt style can seem rude and hurtful to an F. An F can see a T as insensitive and uncaring. It’s important for leaders with a Thinking preference to remember how their actions and decisions might look from an F perspective. Although it will feel uncomfortable for them, T’s also need to address the feeling part of the situations that they face with others.

T’s sometimes see F’s as overemotional and illogical. The fact that F’s take everyone’s needs into account can make them look weak to a T. T’s feel strongly that being fair and following the rules is the best way for them to help people. It’s important for leaders with a Feeling preference to remember that T’s aren’t callously ignoring individual needs.

F’s also need to maintain some consistency around rules. I had a boss once who could not take any sort of discord. As a result, he told each person exactly what they wanted to hear, even if the requests conflicted. It made for a very confusing work environment because the way we did things was constantly changing.

Neither preference is right or wrong. They are just different. Good leaders can use both Thinking and Feeling skills.

In workshops, I split the group into T’s and F’s. I give them the following challenge and ask them to come up with solutions: Your child is on a Little League baseball team. They’ve won the championship and are going to Japan for the next level of competition. The problem is that there are 15 kids on the team and only 12 can go.

The T’s generally come up with very objective, measurable criteria. They list things like highest earned run average, fewest errors, least number of missed practices. They set fair criteria and are ready to let the three who come out on the bottom of the list stay at home.

The F’s, on the other hand, cannot stand to leave anyone out. I haven’t had a group yet that didn’t decide to have fundraisers to ensure that everyone gets to go. Harmony and relationships are what is important to most Feeling types.

The T-F scale is the only one that can be predicted by gender. There are more female F’s and more male T’s. We are socialized that way. Females are brought up to be nurturing and to maintain harmony. I am one of the minority. I am a female T, and that often results in me being labeled a big “B,” if you know what I mean.

Here is a good place to point out that it isn’t always easy to decide on someone’s type by watching their actions. I am a Thinking type, and I was a volunteer leader in the military community for about 20 years. My first inclination, as a T, is to go into a meeting, state what needs to be done, and dismiss everyone. My mostly female volunteer cohorts didn’t take kindly to that kind of behavior. If Feeling type volunteers don’t get the relationships and harmony that they crave, they tend to leave.

So I learned to leave some time at the beginning and end of the meeting for some chatting. I would introduce a topic and then ask each person how they felt about it. After that, we would compromise our way to a decision. Everyone bought into the end result because they were a part of the process. It was a way better way to interact with the group that required me to move away from my Thinking preference and toward a more Feeling approach.

Great leaders can move up and down the scale as needed to bring out the best in their team or organization.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) Sensing-Intuitive Scale

15 Tuesday Sep 2020

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We’ve been discussing the MBTI. We talked about the history and overview of the instrument and then the important considerations of the Extrovert-Introvert scale. Now we are going to discuss the Sensing-Intuitive scale, which describes how we perceive the world.

Sensing types (S’s) live in the moment. They use their five senses to soak in the world around them. S’s like concrete facts and routines and are very matter-of-fact. They like the safety and security of doing things the same way. Intuitive types (N’s) live in the possible. They notice patterns and like to plan and brainstorm. N’s like dealing with abstract ideas and concepts. They are very imaginative and thrive on innovation.

S’s are really good at noticing details. When I give a workshop, I hide my feet and then ask the group what my shoes look like. The ones that can tell me are mostly S’s. They can also describe what’s on the wall behind them without looking. I have a friend who is an S. We were both standing at a function listening to violin music and waiting for the next event — cake. We were standing by the cake table. There was a large sheet cake with some writing on it, some plates, forks, and napkins. She leaned over to me and said, “That table is really bothering me.”

Now I hadn’t seen it say anything rude, so I was puzzled. As far as I could tell, there was nothing wrong with the table. A few violin notes later, she said, “I can’t stand it anymore,” and she charged for the table. I expected a major confrontation between woman and table. She strode over, picked up the plates, and separated them into four piles, one at each corner of the table. Then she took the pile of forks and laid them out neatly. Finally, she strategically fanned the napkins on the table. With a self-satisfied grin, she returned. I am an N, and I honestly had not noticed anything wrong with the table, but my S friend notices details, and they bug her.

S’s like concrete ideas and facts. Practicality is the watchword that they live by. They use their five senses to take in the world around them, and they ground themselves in the present. S’s like ideas and plans to be presented in an orderly fashion.

S’s can get bogged down in details. It’s important for them to make a mental note that change is OK and can even be good!

N’s bring a “big picture” perspective to most situations. Their input can be valuable and help an organization plan for the future. They are good at seeing patterns and realizing the future implications of a decision.

N’s live in the realm of the possible. They love to talk about theories and concepts. Everyday details are mundane and boring. There’s always a better way to do something, and N’s have so much fun figuring out what that way is! “We’ve always done it that way” is an invitation to an N to find a better way. Their minds are in the future more than the present.

The two types can complement each other and drive each other crazy, but it’s important to note that both types are valuable and add value to a decision. N’s have a tendency to ignore issues of practicality. S’s can keep them grounded in what’s really possible. N’s keep S’s from stagnating in routines that are no longer serving a purpose.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) Extravert-Introvert Scale

08 Tuesday Sep 2020

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We’ve broadly discussed the MBTI and its history. Now, I want to talk about each of the four MBTI scales from a leadership perspective. The first scale is the Extravert-Introvert Scale. As Jung began studying people’s behavior, he first noticed how involved they were in the outside world.

He separated people into Extraverts (E) and Introverts (I). I’s are mostly interested in ideas and concepts inside their own heads. E’s interact more with the outside world. We all lie somewhere on the scale between the two extremes.

Your place on the E-I Scale tells you how you get your energy. Es get jazzed from being around a group of people. I’s recharge their batteries by being alone.

E’s and I’s process information in very different ways. E’s tend to think out loud. They process information by talking about it. I’s like to really think about an idea before they share it. When I give MBTI workshops, I ask the E’s to get up and stand on one side of the room and the I’s to stand on the other. Most of the time, the E’s chat with each other all the way to their side of the room and continue to talk once they form their group. The I’s, on the other hand, stand up and walk quietly to their side of the room. They usually stand silently watching the E’s talking animatedly across the room.

E’s tend to have a number of good friends. They are expressive, demonstrative, and easy to get to know. They like being around other people. I’s tend to have a few really close friends. They are more controlled and don’t share much about themselves with others. They are usually quiet and like to spend some time alone.

As far as learning styles go, E’s like to learn by being actively engaged in discussions and activities. I’s learn best from written material.

Neither way is better than the other! Both types are equally valuable. E’s like to refine their thinking by talking about it. They sort their ideas verbally. I’s like to refine their thinking internally. They don’t like to talk about an idea until they’ve given it some thoughtful consideration.

Our society promotes and rewards extraverted behavior. In school, teachers call on students and expect an answer immediately. E’s don’t have a problem, but I’s really like to give thoughtful answers. In business meetings, we are often asked to think on our feet and answer quickly. That behavior is much more challenging for an I.

Does that mean that I’s won’t be successful or able to hold their own in meetings? Not at all! Your preferred style is just that — preferred. We can each learn to behave outside our comfort zone. The more we practice, the more comfortable we become. The most successful people can operate inside and outside of their preferences.

Extraverted leaders are usually outgoing and friendly. They speak their mind honestly and frequently. They have a wide circle of friends and are energized by being around other people. In life, they like to be active and engaged.

Extraverted leaders have a tendency to run over I’s. In a meeting, it is important to create time and space for I’s to answer. I’s need some time to think about their answers. They REALLY don’t like to be put on the spot. Being the center of attention is not a good place for I’s, and they don’t share their feelings easily.

An Introvert can give valuable insight into challenges and topics if we create a safe environment for them to share. Sending out an agenda before a meeting gives an I time to think about the topics before arriving. We can also ask for written ideas to be turned in after the meeting instead of relying totally on discussion.

Introverted leaders think through an idea before they say it out loud. They must develop a sense of trust before they will open up and share their feelings. Introverted leaders have a few close friends and do not like to be in the spotlight. They recharge their batteries by spending time alone. They like to observe what’s going on around them for a while before they decide to join in.

E’s need time to discuss issues. Introverted leaders must create time and space for active discussion. It’s essential to have time in the meeting for the E’s to refine their thoughts through discussion.

It’s also important for leaders to understand how conflicts can arise between the two types. Let’s consider how each type might see the other. E’s could see the thoughtful I’s as aloof, maybe even rude when they don’t talk freely. I’s could consider the E’s to be chatterboxes who say things they don’t mean.

It’s important not to expect others to behave the way that we do. Remember that we each have our own unique Frame of Reference. Part of our Frame of Reference is our MBTI type. As leaders, it’s important that we understand and accommodate both types.

The two types will complement each other if we, as leaders, recognize their strengths and support each’s way of processing information and recharging their batteries.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Outcome v. Ego

11 Tuesday Aug 2020

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I was talking with someone who was quite put out with their coworkers who were refusing to wear masks. This person has immune-compromised people in their family and tries to take as few risks as possible.

After asking the coworkers several times over a few weeks to wear masks, the conversation got heated. The person said, “I have no respect for them and will not treat them with respect because they have no respect for me or my health or my family’s health.” They make a totally valid point. When we depend on others to help keep our loved ones safe, the lack of control can be infuriating.

However, getting into a battle of wills and making the confrontation personal is not going to help the situation. When we are having a difference of opinion with someone, it’s crucial that we put our personal feelings aside and focus on the outcome that we want.

In this situation, the person wants their coworkers to wear a mask, as required by the organization. It’s a rule that they are not following. If they attack their no-mask peers, they make them feel defensive. The no-mask coworkers are not going to wear a mask because it’s become a point of honor. If they wear a mask, they have lost.

As leaders, when we want someone to do something, we must not make them feel that the course of action that we want is a loss of face or honor for them. We must continue to focus on the desired outcome and not get angry or make the conflict personal.

The coworkers should follow the rules and behave with respect towards others. However, they are not, so some influencing is in order. The model of the rider, elephant, and path from the book Switch: How to Change When Change Is Hard can be useful. When facing change ourselves or when helping others through a change, we must deal with the logical rider and the emotional elephant, and we must do what we can to create a structure to ensure the desired behavior, which is the path.

mask meme

The mask meme above speaks to logic and could influence the rider. There is a reason to wear a mask, and it’s not just to protect ourselves.

A photo of the vulnerable family member could reach the noncompliant coworkers at an emotional level. A picture of a cute baby or adorable grandpa could help the coworkers make a connection and stir feelings of protection.

Finally, if all else fails, a trip to supervisors and HR is required. If logic, respect, kindness, and emotional connection do not do the trick, it’s time to create consequences for unacceptable behavior. This is the path part of the model. We could consider continuing gentle reminders as part of the path, as well, but since it hasn’t worked yet, it probably won’t in this case.

We achieve the goals that we want by keeping those goals in mind and our egos in check. No matter how much someone deserves a piece of our minds, we must instead use our influence on their logic and emotions. Finally, when we can, we create consequences for their actions that are as impartial and fair as possible. What we don’t want to do is create a personal battle.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

The Horrible Danger of a Harsh Start

28 Tuesday Jul 2020

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I received an email, and the opening line labeled a decision that I’d made as stupid and unthinking. The person went on to make some valid points, but they totally lost me at the initial attack. I was triggered. I was angry. I was not in the ventral vagal state that is required for creative thinking, problem-solving, and open-mindedness.

Beginning a conversation harshly, either virtually or in-person, is not a good choice for leaders. John Gottman, world-renowned relationship researcher, agrees. According to his research, a conversation that begins with a harsh start ends harshly more than 90% of the time. Those are some pretty steep odds to overcome if you are working to create positive relationships.

As leaders, we want to know the outcome that we are looking for from each conversation before we start it. One outcome that we always want is to increase the positivity of the relationship with the person we are talking with or emailing. That’s an important point to remember. I can tell you that I do not have positive feelings toward anyone who starts a conversation by insulting or blaming me.

However, as a leader I recognize when someone is using a harsh start. I may initially feel my hackles go up, but I use some emotional intelligence to self-manage those emotions. We do that by stepping outside of ourselves and becoming an observer. Here are some questions that we could ask ourselves:

  • Why did it make me angry?
  • What point is the other person trying to make?
  • What feelings are they experiencing that would lead them to start a conversation in that way?

When we become an observer, we re-engage our neocortex, and all of our adult reasoning comes back online.

In addition to creating a positive relationship, we usually want another outcome or two. Perhaps we would like to change someone’s mind about something. We might want to understand a person’s rationale for a decision. In the case of the email, the person wanted me to know that the decision I’d made was not one that worked with their priorities and schedule. They were disappointed and angry. They also felt misled by a series of events. All reasonable arguments and feelings.

For the record, the decision was made for a group and was totally a reaction to the unforeseen consequences of COVID-19. It was never going to make everyone happy, which is sad and frustrating. And that’s what leaders do; we make hard decisions. This one was made after asking for input from the group.

Because I can’t see the true intentions of another person, I can only guess at the outcome that they were looking for. My hypothesis is that they wanted me to change the schedule. Although that wasn’t a possibility in this case, I was not likely to change it after receiving a scathing email.

I would be much more likely to consider an email that begins with a soft start such as, “I received your email about _____, and I am sorry to say that I cannot participate because of _____. I am disappointed and wonder if there is any possibility of working around my challenges. I am also concerned about _____. Could we schedule a time to talk?”

When facing a harsh start, we can ask what outcome the other person is looking for from the conversation. People are sometimes looking to hurt our feelings, although they will seldom admit to that. By focusing on specific outcomes, we guide the conversation in a more productive direction. If we interact regularly with someone who uses harsh starts, we could create a Designed Alliance with them.

As leaders, we can create positive relationships and help create the outcome that we want by beginning in a non-confrontational manner and asking some curious questions. This approach doesn’t give the immediate emotional satisfaction of venting and attacking, but the long-term results are much more satisfying.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Literally, Change Your Mind

21 Tuesday Jul 2020

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path

Note: This is a blog that I wrote back in February 2014. I’m publishing it again as much for a reminder to myself as anything else. I’ve added additional thoughts at the end.

When we think the same thoughts over and over, we create well-worn paths in our brains.  The metaphor of a path is more than just a metaphor.  It’s a description.  We do create neural pathways in our brains.  The more we take a particular neural path, the stronger the connections become, and the more quickly our brains use that path as a default.

The mental image of a path always makes me think of the last lines of Robert Frost’s poem, “The Road Not Taken”:   “Two roads diverged in a wood and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all of the difference.”  Taking the brain path that is less traveled, or even creating a new brain path, is the way to change thought patterns that are not serving us.

Let’s say I have worn a very clear and wide “poor me” path in my brain.  In any circumstance that I face, the easiest, quickest path to take is the “poor me” path.  The car breaks down—poor me!  Economy takes a dive—poor me! Daughter won’t do chores—poor me! Hangnail—poor me!  You get the idea. I could just as easily have worn a clear and wide “stupid you” path.

Most of the time we glide into thought patterns without thinking.  We could be imitating a parent. Perhaps our current thinking is influenced by a set of circumstances in our past.  The first step is to ask, “Is this way of thinking serving me now?”  It might have been useful when you were a child and under the control of others, but it might not be useful now.  Maybe it never was useful. It’s time to take a fresh look.

Sometimes an event can put us on a mental path that is keeping us stuck in the past or in a negative way of thinking.  Way back when I was in high school, I would obsess over any mistake that I made.  If I said or did something that hurt someone’s feelings or embarrassed me or was just plain stupid, I would play it in my head over and over.  After a while, I realized that replaying it wasn’t useful.  It made me sick to my stomach and kept me on the “I am an idiot” path.  I came up with a solution that I learned 30 years later is called cognitive restructuring.

First, look at the offending situation.  What lesson can you learn?  How can you avoid repeating the mistake?  Decide on a one-sentence lesson you have learned. Then take the lesson forward and leave the details behind.

I will share a particularly humiliating example. In high school, I was head-over-heels for a guy who dropped me and started going out with someone else.  I was so hurt and angry.  I drove past his house one evening and saw that his car was out front.  I stopped.  It was unlocked.  I don’t remember the details, but I messed up the inside and outside of his car.  No permanent damage, but afterward I was so ashamed and humiliated.  He had to have known it was me.

First step: What happened?

I acted on impulse out of anger.  I acted childishly.

Second step: How could I avoid the same mistake in the future?

No acting out in anger.  I have poor judgment when I am angry. No childish behavior.  That wasn’t who I wanted to be.

Third step: Create a takeaway phrase.

“No childish actions when angry” was mine. Each time I started to relive the humiliation, I stopped myself.  I said, “I’ve learned my lesson.  No childish actions when angry.”

Step four:  Think about something else.

I forced myself to go over my to-do list or start reciting song lyrics, anything to get me off of the path of replaying the event.

I didn’t just have to redirect my thoughts once.  I had to do it over and over again.  The key is consistency and determination. I had to stay off the well-worn path to let the branches, vines, and grass take over and make it disappear. Eventually, the path grew over.  Today, I can only recall the lesson, not the details.

In the time since I’ve discovered that replacing the offending thought pattern with a thought that creates a feeling of gratitude is even more effective.  If you are feeling grateful, you cannot feel any other emotion.  It replaces fear, unhappiness, and resentment.  How cool is that? Way better than to-do lists. The key is to make the gratitude path wide and clear—very easy to follow.  Line the gratitude path with images and memories that touch your heart because those have the most power. Then you can call them up easily and take that alternate gratitude path whenever you are tempted to take the one you’ve declared off-limits.

A friend pointed out that we don’t control individual thoughts that surface unbidden.  I guess that’s true to some extent.  However, what’s important here is that we have the power of choice.  We decide what to do with any unbidden thoughts and how long we let them linger.

Like the traveler in Robert Frost’s poem, we get to choose our paths.  We influence new thoughts by which paths we keep clear and which we let grow over.  We choose the tone of our internal dialogue.  We choose which paths to cultivate in our minds, and through those choices we choose the types of people we are going to be.

Final note: Man, 2014 feels like a very long time ago. It was most certainly another life. Rediscovering this blog feels providential because I am working to release a lot of anger and resentment over some life events that have happened in the interim. All of them are infinitely more serious than a high school prank.

The actions are not necessarily my own, but the events, circumstances and anger have had me firmly in their grip. I have been caught in an endless loop of negative thinking and blaming for quite some time.

I’ve decided that my takeaway phrase is “Shit happens, and most of it isn’t my fault.” I am not absolving myself of all responsibility, but stuff like injuries, illnesses, other people’s decisions, and COVID-19 are definitely not my fault!

This time around I am using one song lyric consistently to replace unbidden, negative thoughts and emotions. It honestly came to me while I was asleep, and it brings me great comfort. It feels like a message from Spirit. The song is “Just Remember I Love You” by Firefall. The specific lyric is “Just remember I love you, and it’ll be alright. Just remember that I love you more than I can say.”

A spiritual grounding is important for leaders. We must stand on a firm foundation to lead effectively. Choosing to master ourselves and our thoughts in an important proficiency. Connecting to our higher power gives us the strength and confidence that we need to do that – especially when we are running low on our own.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

The Power of a Morning Routine

14 Tuesday Jul 2020

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Recently I’ve talked with several people about their morning routines. My mother lived with me for 10 years, and she was the queen of the morning routine. She settled into her “nest” with a cup of tea. Her nest changed each time we moved, which was pretty often as a military family. Sometimes it was in her bed, sometimes in a chair with her feet up on an ottoman. She always had three morning books going at one time. One was always Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. All of the books were uplifting, so they put her in a positive frame of mind.

I would be running around like a crazy person getting the boys ready for school, and she was an ocean of calm who refused to allow any big waves in her peaceful morning. She was one of the most positive people that I’ve ever known.

I recently participated in a virtual retreat for female entrepreneurs by successful businesswoman Grace Lever. She described her morning routine, and it was very similar. Grace gets up at 5:30 am and sits with her tea in meditation and prayer. Then she does 10 minutes of intense exercise with a German model named Pamela Reif. After her tea, she drinks a big glass of water. Her routine takes about an hour.

My sister has recently caught the Tony Robbins fire. Tony jumps into cold water first thing and then does some breathing and mindset exercises. Like Mom, he has an emphasis on positivity and gratitude. You can follow along with him here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faTGTgid8Uc&feature=youtu.be

I find that my days and my life go better when I have a morning routine. If I am not firm about the time that I am getting up and what I am going to do first, I sort of meander into the day. The lack of a plan also leaves me with a less than positive attitude. I feel bad because I have lost my most productive part of the day.

I will admit that COVID-19 has allowed me the time and space to lose my motivation and any semblance of a morning routine – and I’m tired of it! Discomfort is the greatest motivator, and I am definitely uncomfortable with starting my day in a sluggish way.

When looking for a solution, it’s always a good idea to start by looking at what has worked before. In the past, I have felt the most productive when I set the alarm for 5:30 am like Grace and immediately get up out of bed. The next important step is that I didn’t go back to bed! It’s such a temptation to go to the bathroom and crawl back under the covers. During my most productive time, I immediately got out of bed and shuffled to the dining room to work on my first online course.

Like Tony, I also like pausing before my feet hit the floor and thinking about things that I am grateful for. Then I think about what I want to accomplish that day and see myself doing those things with grace and ease. Tony also does a variation of that. Then I remind myself that the Universe supports me in all that I put my mind to. I firmly believe that God helps those who help themselves by taking steps toward a goal.

I have started drinking celery juice every morning. I pull out the juicer and juice one or two bunches of celery. The tinnitus that I’ve had since high school abates if I am consistent about drinking celery juice. I heard about the benefits of celery juice from The Medical Medium. He may or may not be your thing, but the plant-based diet that he advocates has helped me a lot.

I am also a water proponent. The celery juice works better on an empty stomach, so I drink a big glass of water about an hour before the celery juice. Coffee comes after that. Several studies recommend drinking coffee an hour or two after you wake up. (Our natural cortisol levels are highest in the morning. Cortisol gets us up and moving and if we double dose with coffee, the result can be anxiety. Cortisol levels fall off around 9:30 so that’s when coffee would be most helpful.)

I am not much of an exerciser in the morning. I like to get work done when I am mentally fresh. I do a few stretches in bed and while sitting on the edge of the bed, but that’s about it for the morning.

What helps me most is deciding the night before on exactly what I am going to do in the morning. It saves me from dithering, which is such a time-waster for me. I am an advocate of starting your morning routine the night before. I find that my brain works on stuff while I am asleep, and I wake up with some fabulous ideas.

Breathing, water (with or without lemon), meditation, prayer, loving kindness meditation (oooh, I might add that one), setting a positive intention, stretching, journaling, and exercise are all great ideas for a morning routine. The key is to decide and do it. No dithering allowed.

So here is my new plan:

  1. Alarm goes off at 5:30 am.
  2. Immediately drink a big glass of water or lemon water.
  3. Do some easy stretching in the bed and then on the edge of the bed.
  4. While sitting, I think I will try a variation of Tony’s routine, which will include some fast breathing, gratitude, the loving kindness meditation, and visualizing the tasks of the day in a positive way.
  5. Work until 6:30, and then juice some celery and drink it.
  6. At least another hour of uninterrupted work.
  7. Easy breakfast. (My favorite is fruit crumble that I make up in big batches. Delicious!)
  8. Coffee break around 9 am, and I am done with the morning routine!

What you do doesn’t matter as much as doing it consistently. Great leaders are positive and have enough self-discipline to follow through on plans that they know will help them move forward. A morning routine is great practice for emotional intelligence and a wonderful foundation for the feelings of accomplishment that come from achieving meaningful goals. I am in!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Regret Ruler

07 Tuesday Jul 2020

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I am having difficulty with some of my COVID-19-related decisions, and it’s unusual for me to have any trouble deciding. Decision making is one of my superpowers!

It’s important to consider our values and priorities when making decisions. I think of them as rulers. When I’m trying to make a choice, I hold up my values ruler and see which option is most in alignment with my values. Whatever is important to me right now also needs to be taken into consideration – that’s the priorities ruler.

We each have several rulers that we use when making decisions. Another significant ruler is the impression management ruler. We all want to be seen by others in a certain way. We do what we can to manage other people’s impressions of us to ensure we are seen as we want to be seen. For example, I want to be seen as professional and smart, so I do things that enhance that image. We always hold our impression management ruler up to any decision and consider whether or not it will enhance the image we want to project.

Lately, those rulers are not helping. I find myself faced with two choices, and neither one of them feels like a great choice. For example, one friend has invited me out to eat. I like her and really miss going to restaurants. I haven’t eaten out since early March. However, I don’t feel like going to a restaurant is a great idea for me right now. I am in one of the higher risk categories for COVID-19, and I just don’t want it. I don’t want to expose anyone to it, either.

Going or not going to a restaurant isn’t a huge decision; it’s just an example. However, it still gives me pause. I can hear that my friend is disappointed when I refuse. I want to be a good friend and see her, but I just feel uncomfortable about going. It’s not a value, priority, or impression management issue so I pull out the big guns – my regret ruler.

If the choices seem equally terrible or uncomfortable, I ask myself which one I will regret more now, in a few days, in a year, and in five years. The key is to determine which choice creates the most long-term regret and avoid it. Clearly, I will immediately regret not going out for a fun evening with someone I like. However, if one of us falls ill or if I carry COVID-19 to a family member, the regret would be greater – and long-lasting.

Of course, there is uncertainty involved. I could go to dinner and come back with nothing but a full stomach. I look at worst-case scenarios and the amount of risk. Once again, it’s a judgment call, but if I do a gut-check, I could not live with myself if I gave a potentially fatal disease to a family member in order to go out to dinner. I would also feel deep regret if I caught it and became a toxic burden to others. The amount of regret that I would feel is simply not worth the risk.

Like the values, priorities, and impression management rulers, the regret ruler is very personal – as is risk assessment. The variations in our regret rulers and risk assessment seem to be major contributors to the differences of opinion that are rampant in our society right now.

I am reminded of a video that I watched of several different people intentionally coughing on others to show the intensity of their disagreement on the issue of masks. For the record, that sort of behavior is unacceptable, and those people are definitely not great leaders. In my estimation, they aren’t great humans. They lack emotional intelligence, which starts with self-awareness and self-control.

As leaders, we examine our choices and our rulers, and then manage ourselves to ensure our behaviors are always respectful towards others, no matter how different their rulers are from ours.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Questions Are the Answer

16 Tuesday Jun 2020

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In the final class of my MBA program, we had to do a presentation. I can’t remember exactly what my partner and I did, but it was some sort of business case analysis. We worked long and hard on our presentation.

We presented to the rest of the class – who were in competition with us. The goal of the class was to make the presenters look as bad and incompetent as possible. Not the best organizational behavior set up to foster goodwill.

There was one other woman in the class besides me. She was outspoken. When our presentation was over, she started asking questions that felt a lot like bait. She was subtly trying to get our goat. My young partner rose to the challenge almost immediately. I remember putting a hand on his shoulder as he began a heated retort. I said, “Wait, let’s be clear about what she is asking before we answer.”

I can’t remember her initial question exactly, but it was something like, “You honestly believe it’s a good idea to have people blah, blah, blah?” What she finished with isn’t important. Then, I turned to her and asked her to clarify.

I asked something like, “What exactly do you think is a problem about having people blah, blah, blah?” She huffed and said it was obvious. I told her that it wasn’t obvious to me and that in order to properly answer her objections, I needed to know exactly what she was objecting to. I asked, “Which part of our analysis do you believe to be faulty and why?”

She sputtered and backed down. She didn’t have anything specific. She was just trying to get us to lose our tempers. It was in that moment that I realized the power of questions. It was well before I started coach training that confirmed that belief. Questions are almost always the answer when facing difficult times and decisions. They also work pretty well on bullies.

The most important thing to remember when using questions is that you must sound sincere in the asking. Any hint of sarcasm and you are done for. Tone of voice is the difference between successfully asking “Please tell me specifically what your objections are to that plan” to create a dialogue and creating ill will and resentment. As leaders, it’s important to maintain an authentic curiosity about what the other person is thinking and feeling.

Coaching is all about helping people figure out their best path forward. Coaches do that by first raising a client’s awareness around a topic and then creating accountability for action. The action part is not usually the problem, it’s deciding what to do that can be a challenge when facing complex issues.

We can coach ourselves a bit during these challenging times by asking ourselves some questions. Here are some of my favorites:

  • Which one of your values is the most important to uphold in this situation?
  • Which one of your values feels challenged in this situation?
  • What is the single most important consideration?
  • How do you want to be remembered when this situation is over?
  • If you could wave a magic wand and create the perfect outcome, what would it look like? What is the most powerful action that you could take to help achieve that outcome?
  • What would make this decision easier?
  • What are the unknowns right now?
  • Who else will be affected by your decision?
  • How can you help others?
  • Who can help you?
  • What would you regret doing? Not doing?

We can use these questions for something as easy as whether or not to wear a mask in public. I do wear a mask because I feel that the most important thing for me to do is to protect others. I could be pre-symptomatic and not know it at any time. I would wholly regret giving COVID-19 to someone else – even unknowingly. To me, it’s a simple action that I can take to care for others. Caring and helping others is one of my core values.

People who don’t wear masks make their decisions based on different values and considerations. I don’t know what they are for sure, but I would guess from what I’ve heard and read that freedom is an important consideration for them, or perhaps not showing fear or weakness. I am not criticizing their decision. We all must do things in alignment with our values that are based on the information that we have.

I recently visited several gun shops. I was the only person in every store who was wearing a mask. Well, one guy walked in wearing a mask, looked around, then took it off. Blending in, or what other people thought of him, seemed to be his guiding principle.

I did not take my mask off in any of the gun shops because I am very clear about why I am wearing it. I give myself some modicum of protection, hence I am protecting the people that are in my inner circle. I am also protecting everyone in the gun shop by keeping my respiratory spray to myself. It doesn’t matter to me what everyone else is doing. What matters to me is following my own values and doing what feels right to me. No regrets.

There are a million different ways to assess a decision and decide how to act because each of us has our own unique Frame of Reference. The key is to clearly understand our own Frame of Reference and act in ways that will make us look back on our actions proudly. As great leaders, we also want to feel confident that we are helping more than hurting.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Stress and Polyvagal Theory (Part 2)

19 Tuesday May 2020

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In the last blog, we talked about Polyvagal Theory. If you’re back, I didn’t scare you off with the science stuff. In brief, our autonomic nervous system has three states: dorsal vagal (Down in a Hole), sympathetic nervous system (Superman on High Alert), and ventral vagal (Victory). It is important to know what the three states are and how they feel to us individually.

And we took care of all that last week! So if we think of the three states as being on a ladder – as suggested by Deb Dana in her book The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy – how do we move up the ladder?

First, we don’t jump from the bottom to the top of the ladder. We go up or down one rung at a time. It’s important to realize that we aren’t going to suddenly become joyful if we are depressed.

However, there are a bunch of things that we can do to help move our autonomic nervous system to the ventral vagal state. These things can also help us stay there. I’ve already implemented several and feel that my mental state is much improved. Here is a list:

1. Breath/Meditation. Emotions and respiration are linked. We can influence our emotions by paying attention to our breath. We become mindful and focus only on our breath in the moment. Deep, full breaths help us calm down and move to the ventral vagal state. Note: A deep, full breath starts with a complete exhale to empty the lungs.

Meditation is another form of mindfulness. One meditation, in particular, has tons of research about its benefits for the person meditating and the person the meditator is concentrating on. You can read about it here and also find lots of guided loving-kindness meditations if you search online. Know that regular practice of the loving-kindness meditation can have a profound effect on your health and mental well-being.

2. Sound/Music. Pleasant sounds can improve our mood and outlook. It’s fun to figure out what makes us feel more positive. I like the sound of a babbling brook. I had a candle that was also a small fountain, and I miss its soothing sound. I am looking for another one.

Music is especially powerful. I asked my leadership workshop participants to send me a song that lifted their spirits, and I created a playlist. I enjoy some of the songs that they sent. Others just don’t do it for me. I find that our choice of music that moves us up the autonomic nervous system ladder is very individual. There isn’t one song for everyone.

I do have a happy playlist on my phone. I add to it every time I hear a song that energizes me. When I need some motivation, I listen to my happy songs. Never try to rationalize your choice of songs. If it makes your heart feel lighter, it’s good. I have Barry Manilow and disco on my list. No one gets to judge your happy playlist!

Singing music is another way to lift your spirits. There is research that we connect with each other when we sing together. COVID-19 has put a damper on that for now, but keep it in mind. Singing in the church choir is good for your spirit and your autonomic state.

3. Temperature. This one is new to me. When I was firmly ensconced in the sympathetic nervous system state, I was cold much of the time. Turns out, that’s not uncommon. I have an electric throw blanket that I keep by my favorite chair. The warmth of the blanket is also heartwarming; its comfort helps us up a rung or two on the ladder.

4. Nature. No one can say exactly why, but humans are rejuvenated when in nature. It doesn’t have to be bug-filled, scary nature deep in the woods. It can just be a tree or a houseplant.

When I first moved into my condo, it felt like a hotel room. After months of living here, it still didn’t feel like home. Then I started adding plants. I now have a lot of plants, and I love them! I remember the day that I came home, unconsciously bracing for the resistance I felt at calling the condo home. I opened the door and saw all of the plants. I felt my shoulders relax, which is a sure sign that I am moving up the ladder towards the ventral vagal state.

GHF5. Art/Creative Endeavors. The feeling of being in flow when engrossed in some sort of creative activity is awesome. There is a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction for me. Somewhere I read about filling a space completely with color. It doesn’t matter how. I picked a large index card and had fun filling it with color. Here is one of my creations. It doesn’t have to be great art to help you feel great.

6. Movement. Research shows that walking for 30 minutes each day is more effective than taking medication for depression. Moving helps – even the smallest bit of motion! Stretching up to the ceiling each time that you stand can be a good start.

Honestly, in the beginning of regaining my positivity, movement seemed like too big a chore. It wasn’t until I’d enacted some of the other things and had begun to see a light at the end of the tunnel that I began to move.

I am currently doing Richard Hittleman’s Yoga: 28 Day Exercise Plan from a very old book. My mom and I used to do it in the summer. I feel so much better and stronger when I do some light stretching and exercise each day.

If you are an avid exerciser, I am preaching to the choir!

7. Smells. Smells of all kinds can create strong emotional reactions. Certain aromas can bring back a flood of memories. We also know that diffusing essential oils can encourage various states of mind. If you search online for essential oils that create a peaceful feeling, several come up over and over again. Ylang ylang, spearmint, and orange are just a few. I am a fan of Sacred Frankincense. It’s fun to sniff and blend to find a combo that relaxes your shoulders and makes you feel lighter.

8. Connection. I have saved the most powerful action for last. In order to reach and maintain the ventral vagal state, we need to feel a nurturing connection with others. Dana writes, “The autonomic nervous systems of two individuals find sanctuary in a co-created experience of connection.” Wow. Sanctuary. That is powerful.

I will confess to resisting the idea that I need others to create happiness for myself. Certainly, I enjoy my family and friends but didn’t think of them as an absolute necessity for my own sense of well-being. Well, biology has proven me wrong, and I accept it. Mostly because I intentionally reached out to others when I was feeling very low and, as a result, feel much better.

a. Circle of friends. One day my sister was talking about her friends and how she saw them in three circles. The closest circle are friends who live near her whom she sees often. The next circle is people she cares about, but who are more distant – geographically or emotionally. The third circle is mostly acquaintances. Then there are other people outside her three circles that she knows.

I decided to do that exercise on a piece of paper. I encourage you to do the same. I did mine a little differently. I started with all the friends who live near me, people that I can visit. In the second circle I put close friends who don’t live near me. They are people I talk with often. The third circle is people I care about, but who I don’t see or talk with regularly. Everyone else is out there beyond my circles.

Then I started revising my lists. I only have about three people who are close friends who live near me. They went into their own inner circle. The rest of the geographically close people are ones who I want to nurture a closer friendship with.

In addition to being nurturing, a relationship must also be reciprocal in order to help us maintain the ventral vagal state. One of us may need more support for a time, and then the other. However, overall our relationship is balanced if we have reciprocity.

Look at the people in your circles. Does the relationship include heartfelt listening and responding? Is it balanced? Do you feel a nurturing sense of connection with this person? If the answer is no to any of these questions, chances are pretty good that they are not helping you maintain the ventral vagal state. Don’t depend on them for that.

If the answer is yes to all of them, reach out and connect with that person more often. Make time with them a priority. Your emotional state depends on it.

After I created my list, I got on the phone and made social-distance dates with two friends that I hadn’t seen in person for a while. Both were outside in nature – bonus. We sat six to eight feet from each other and had a great time chatting. I’ve kept up contacting people, and I cannot adequately describe how I feel now compared to how I was. My outlook is more positive, and I have more energy. People can help. Who knew?

b. Meet them where they are. It’s important to know that anyone stuck in either of the lower two states is missing a big chunk of their adult-thinking ability. In the ventral vagal state we are open-minded, creative, and capable of compassion and self-compassion. Those things are biologically unavailable to someone stuck in fight-or-flight. Once again – wow. It explains a lot of the behavior that we have been seeing since the pandemic started. Fear keeps us from listening fully and thinking clearly. Whether it’s someone in your circles or not, maintain some reasonable expectations if they are stuck in the sympathetic nervous system state.

c. Establish psychological safety. Every time that we have an interaction with someone, we ask, “Is it safe to engage with this person in this moment in this place?” We are asking if we feel psychologically safe. Anyone hanging out with me for any length of time knows that psychological safety is one of my favorite soapboxes. You can read a lot about psychological safety in my blogs.

Essentially, we want to tell others with our facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and consistent, reasonable actions that we are safe to talk with and reliable.

d. Be the help. The balance that we are looking for when our ventral vagal system is in charge is called homeostasis. In order to achieve and maintain homeostasis, we need the help of others. Once we have managed to make a ventral vagal state our home base, we can help others achieve it. Our regulated autonomic nervous system can help others regulate theirs. It sounds cold and sciency, but it really means listening in a heartfelt way that supports others as they climb the autonomic nervous state ladder one rung at a time.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.