Category Archives: Leadership

Designing an Alliance: In-Depth View

19 Tuesday Feb 2019

Posted by in Psychological Safety, Team Building

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Ideally, we want our people on our teams and in our organizations to behave a certain way. For example, we want them to be respectful, efficient, and productive. We can create a culture that defines and supports those behaviors. Creating a culture intentionally makes a leader’s job much easier. The culture that we create at our level may not exactly align with the organization’s culture, and that’s okay. We can decide that within our group there are certain behaviors that are important to ensure individual and group success.

We can begin creating the culture that we want by having our group or team design an alliance together. The Designed Alliance is a guideline for acceptable behavior for the group. Sometimes the agreement is called Ground Rules. When we get the group together to design an alliance, we want to make it clear that we are going to decide together on some standards of behavior. Handing down rules about acceptable behavior is not as effective.

First, we want to decide on the sort of atmosphere or emotional field in which we want to work. The group can list qualities that they want to bring into conversations. “Respect” is usually a good start. Many groups list “open-mindedness” and “humor.” Make sure the qualities are reasonable and attainable by everyone. Once the group has discussed the atmosphere it would like to create, it’s important to consider which behaviors would help the group achieve that atmosphere. For example, one ground rule could be “No sarcasm” in order to support a positive work environment.

Another good discussion is about what would help the individuals in the group and the group itself to do a good job. It might be a weekly meeting or a commitment to provide information quickly. The group might decide that daily progress reports are needed. The discussion might include a request for a less hostile attitude toward necessary requests. The Designed Alliance should address the individual needs that are going to help the group succeed. It’s a great time to remind everyone of how their actions support the goals of the group and the organization.

A specific discussion of how the team wants to behave when things get difficult is crucial for the Designed Alliance. Many groups have trouble handling conflict. Generally, groups avoid discussing differences of opinion, or they yell. Of course, the yelling is what encourages avoidance. Sometimes it helps to talk about how an ideal team would handle disagreements. How would The Perfect Team handle conflict? Having the discussion in terms of how an ideal team would handle conflict can make the discussion less personal.

In creating guidelines for behavior, a discussion of what the group doesn’t want to happen can lead to some specific behaviors that they want to include. A group normally has pretty clear ideas about behaviors that they don’t want to see. When writing out the Designed Alliance, we want to state the opposite positive behavior, rather than a negative behavior. For example, if the group says it doesn’t want dishonesty, we would include “Be honest.” If they don’t want yelling, we could include “Use a professional or respectful tone of voice.”

The Designed Alliance isn’t useful if no one adheres to it. The group must decide what they are going to do if someone breaks one of the agreements. This Designed Alliance belongs to the group, and it isn’t the supervisor’s job to enforce it. It really is up to the entire group. Many groups decide to gently remind the person about the agreement. Often, they also explicitly add that no one will get defensive or angry when reminded. There are many different ways for a group to remind each other about the Designed Alliance.

If the discussion feels like it could go further, there are a couple of other questions the group can discuss:

  • What can you rely on from each other?
  • What will you commit to for one another?

Once the entire agreement is written, it’s important to make sure that everyone agrees to the rules. The final task is to have everyone look at the list, and ask if there are any questions or problems. We want to give everyone a chance to disagree with the items on the Designed Alliance. Ensure the group understands that they are committing to behave in alignment with the Designed Alliance. It’s easy for everyone to nod their heads or just be silent if they disagree. It’s a good idea to ask the group to stand if they agree to act in accordance with the agreement and to hold others accountable as well.

At this point, someone could refuse to stand, and that’s okay. In that case, we all sit down and talk about the person’s reservations. If one person refuses a guideline, it’s best to take it off the list. If the action in question is a part of the person’s job or common professionalism, we want to schedule a coaching session on that topic privately.

There are a few things that can be included in the Designed Alliance that are useful. If these guidelines don’t show up in the discussion, it’s a good idea to mention them to the group. The group can reject them in the end, but it’s good to at least talk about them.

We agree that everyone’s perspective is, at least partially, right.

In agreeing that everyone’s perspective is partially right, we are explicitly acknowledging that there is usually more than one valid way to view a situation. There isn’t, necessarily, a right and a wrong. This perspective makes the discussions and the disagreements a lot easier because we don’t paint someone as totally wrong. As a result, the discussion continues, and we foster the positive relationships that help the group function more effectively.

We will listen to each other’s ideas and perspectives with an open mind.

This guideline means that we are open to being influenced by others. We will go into the discussion with the intentional perspective of looking for things with which we can agree. In essence, it’s agreeing to listen and being open to changing our minds. If people are resistant to the idea of being open-minded, we can remind them that listening with an open mind does not require agreement in the end.

We will always be respectful to one another.

Being respectful is usually brought up pretty early in the discussion. However, if no one mentions it, it’s a good idea to bring it up for discussion.

We won’t leave a meeting where a decision was made and complain about the decision to others if we didn’t speak up in the meeting.

Finding someone to complain to after we haven’t spoken up in a meeting is called triangulation. The group is agreeing to bring up their reservations and complaints in the meetings when the group can discuss the point of view together. It also means that when approached by someone wanting to complain outside of a group meeting, we will remind them that we’ve agreed to discuss issues as a group, not privately and individually. If the group agrees to discuss things together in an open way, that is a huge step forward for the group.

We will share our thoughts and feelings on a topic.

If the group agrees not to triangulate, a person could avoid the situation by never talking to anyone about his or her ideas or reservations. The solution is a separate guideline that requires everyone to speak their minds. The group can’t deal with issues unless they are brought out into the open for discussion. The Designed Alliance helps to create an environment and a culture where people talk and solve problems and share perspectives in a positive way. However, ultimately, it’s up to us as supervisors to maintain a safe space where people are comfortable proposing opposing views. If people believe that they will be harassed or ignored, no amount of coercion will get them to share their opinions.

We will presume good intent.

Instead of assuming that someone is being mean-spirited, we will first assume that their motivation is positive. It saves a lot of emotional pennies and hurt feelings. The only way to know someone’s intent is to ask. Until we ask, we presume good intent.

The Designed Alliance is a powerful tool that helps to create the psychological safety that a team or group need to excel. We work better when we feel free to share our ideas, disagree, and take reasonable risks.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

Review: Qualities of a Great Leader

12 Tuesday Feb 2019

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Positivity

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In leadership workshops, we create a list of important leadership qualities. For frontline employees, there are two crucial qualities for great leaders. Consistently being fair is the first quality. Favoritism is one of the things that destroys the morale of a team. Even the appearance of favoritism can mess with the dynamics of a group. Being fair beyond anyone’s doubt can be a challenge, especially if some of our employees are friends.

As leaders, we might need to create a little bit of distance from friends with whom we work. If we supervise friends, we must tell them that we cannot talk about situations at work or any of the other people on our team. Our friends cannot enjoy access to us and our opinions about work that the rest of the team does not get. We must treat everyone in the same way.

It’s also important for us to let the people we supervise know that we have established boundaries with our friends. Our employees will think the worst if we don’t bring it up, so we need to go ahead and discuss the agreement that we have made with our friends. It’s crucial that everyone on the team feels confident that when we are chatting with our friends, we aren’t talking about the other people on the team or what’s going on at work.

The second quality that is important to frontline employees is the ability to listen. One of the things that employees complain about most often is when leaders don’t stop what they are doing and listen. Basically, we want to listen for understanding. Our personal needs are to be listened to, understood, and respected. A lot of times people don’t care if we agree with them in the end; they do care that we took the time to listen and understand their point of view.

It is important to take the time to fully understand other people’s perspectives. However, listening for understanding does not mean that we have to agree with a person’s perspective or take his or her suggestions. We want to maintain a mindset that says, “There is a possibility that I might agree with you or that I might incorporate your perspective.” However, there is no obligation to agree at the end of the conversation. We can say upfront, “You know, I haven’t made up my mind, and I may or may not do this the way you’d like for me to, but I do want to understand your point of view.”

The next important leadership quality is kindness. Leaders often push back at the idea that kindness matters. They say, “I don’t have to be kind. I’m not their best friend!” We don’t have to be someone’s friend to be kind to them. Being kind also doesn’t make us a pushover. We still need to set clear expectations and be sure that everyone is living up to those expectations. However, we want to maintain a positive relationship, so we act with kindness. We don’t yell or belittle. We help them succeed in a positive way.

The next quality is integrity. Integrity is a bit of a catch-all because integrity is walking the talk, being a role model, and acting consistently with honesty, kindness, and fairness. Integrity is also about being trustworthy and reliable.

The little extra dash of spice in integrity is your own personality. As leaders, we get to be us. Everyone’s style is a little different. It’s not that one is better than the other. It’s that we are each acting according to our own strengths and our own personalities.

The last quality is consistency. It is important that we have a positive and caring attitude, listen, act fairly, be kind, and act with integrity all the time. Great leaders are consistent, dependable, and reliable.

Honestly, none of us are going to be reliable and consistent all the time, but we need to manage to do it most of the time. Our employees need to know that we aren’t going to yell at them when they come to us with a problem. They need to feel confident that we are going to be calm and reliable. We’re going to ask questions and figure out how to fix the situation. We want our employees to feel that we are a stable, reliable force who is going to help them. Until employees feel confident that their leaders are reliable and consistent, they are going to be tentative and watchful—maybe even subversive or dishonest in order to avoid an unpleasant confrontation.

Of course, the list could continue. In workshops, we sometimes come up with 20 qualities of exceptional leaders, but the ones we’ve just discussed are a good place to start.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

The Danger of Assumptions

05 Tuesday Feb 2019

Posted by in #Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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As leaders, we want to collect accurate knowledge in a way that builds and maintains positive relationships. It’s one of the ways that we cultivate our personal influence. Unfortunately, we sometimes base our actions and opinions on assumptions, rather than accurate information.

Assumptions are not all bad. We walk up to a door, and we assume that the doorknob is going to turn and the door is going to open. We base a lot of our lives on assumptions because they save us time and make life easier. However, it’s important to be aware of when we’re making assumptions.

In conflict resolution workshops, participants role-play a scenario about laundry. Almost all of them take on the stereotypical gender role for laundry. Male or female, if they are the ones with responsibility for laundry, they take on the societal role of females. During the discussion after the role play, participants are surprised at how easily they assumed women do the laundry. No one questioned or even realized the assumptions they were making. The strength of the gender roles was surprising because the scenario was based on a Marine who did the laundry and didn’t feel he was appreciated. We don’t want to hold any assumptions, but we often do without even realizing it.

The real danger of assumptions is that we don’t realize that they are assumptions. Many times, we transform the assumptions into absolute truth in our heads. For example, somebody doesn’t say good morning to us, and we assume that the person is ignoring us on purpose. The truth may be that he or she had a really bad morning and didn’t even notice us. However, we make up this story in our head about the person being uppity and thinking that they are better than us. We move forward as if that assumption is true and treat the other person accordingly. We allow an assumption that probably isn’t true to influence our relationship in a negative way. The poor person who didn’t say good morning will probably be mystified by our chilly and maybe even unprofessional behavior.

As a leader, it is important to stop and ask, “Is this something I really know, or am I making an assumption?” The only way to know if something is true or not is to ask. Perhaps a person’s poor performance is due to laziness, but it could also be caused by a lack of training, illness, or just not understanding that a particular task is a priority. As leaders, it’s our job to find out for sure, not assume.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Power of Positivity and Caring

29 Tuesday Jan 2019

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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There is a growing body of evidence on the power of positivity and caring in leadership. An increase in positivity results in an increase in productivity and efficiency. It also improves morale and reduces turnover. Those are some important results for a leader to attain.

Our own personal experiences support the research. Think of a great leader you have known. Did that person have a positive attitude? In workshops, everyone answers yes. Was that person caring? That is to say, did that leader have your best interests at heart even if he or she was tough on you? Once again, most everyone in workshops answers yes.

One of the fundamental goals of leadership is to create and maintain positive relationships. Really, maintaining positive relationships with the people at work is basic professionalism. When we have positive relationships, both parties in the relationship can focus on work. We don’t take part in anything petty or negative, and no one is distracted from the job at hand.  That does not mean that we need to be best friends with people at work, it just means that we have relationships based on respect and kindness.

Maintaining a positive attitude and work environment is a challenge. Humans are hardwired to notice and hold on to negative situations and events. It’s part of our nature. We can change our natural tendencies, but it requires some discipline and a commitment to choosing differently. We have to wave around the Magic Wand of Destiny and CHOOSE to notice and remember the positive.

Identifying and solving problems are primary responsibilities of leaders, and we don’t need to stop doing those things. However, we do need to begin noticing what is going right. Fortunately, there are many more positive events in a day than negative. Think about it—we do all sorts of things right in a day, and all anyone notices or comments on is the negative. It’s frustrating! We want to notice and comment whenever we see someone doing something right.

Noticing and commenting positively on actions that we want to see again is powerful. It lets people know that we are paying attention to what they do, that we appreciate their efforts, and that the task itself is something worth doing. The best way to get someone to do something again is to praise them for doing it. It’s an easy motivational technique that also builds the positivity of the relationship.

When we create positive relationships, we are using personal influence as opposed to positional power. In a leadership position, you have power over the people who work for you. Perhaps you have some options to give awards. You definitely have the power to discipline. Positional power is bestowed on you with your job title, and it is not the best long-term motivational technique.

Positional authority is effective as long as you are watching your employees. If we use the metaphor of the carrot and the stick, positional authority is using the stick to threaten people. It is highly effective if we are standing in front of the person. The carrot is positive incentive. When we create positive relationships, we are using our personal influence. People want to work for us, and they keep working when we are not present.

In order to create a positive relationship, one must have a positive interaction ratio of at least five-to-one. That is five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Negative interactions include developmental feedback, which leaders must give. The only way to maintain the required positivity ratio is to increase the number of positive conversations. The positivity ratio is in alignment with other research that found people are most motivated by being acknowledged and appreciated for their contributions.

Not everyone who works with you will be easy to get along with. Their negative attitude and actions can make the creation of a positive relationship more difficult. We can overcome the challenge, but it takes determination, self-discipline, and some knowledge. Knowing something about people can make it easier to create a positive relationship with them. The author of The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni, found that just knowing each other’s birth order and a childhood challenge increases trust. We can get to know one another better with something as simple as starting meetings with an icebreaker. It’s also a good idea to take some time to chat with people. Short chats are not a waste of time because they increase familiarity, trust, and positivity.

Granted, there is a fine line between getting to know someone and getting too personal at work. Leadership is an art, not a science. However, you cannot be an exceptional leader without knowing and caring for the people who work for you. It can be done within reasonable, professional boundaries.

Studies have shown that caring leaders are more effective, and now we have some research-backed actions that we can take to increase our capacity and ability to care about others. Dr. Barbara Fredrickson found that people who participated in loving-kindness meditation became more compassionate and empathetic toward others. There were also emotional and physical health benefits and an increased tendency to see things in a good light and be more optimistic about the future. That is an impressive list of results for a meditation practice of 60 minutes a week. There are lots of guided loving-kindness meditations online.

Dr. Fredrickson also found that shared positive moments can have positive emotional and physical results for individuals. The more positive moments we share, the easier it becomes to create more. We also increase our own positivity in the process. The shared moments of positivity don’t have to be with people that we know for us to gain the benefits. Our discussion is focused on work, but you can practice engaging others in a positive way in line at the grocery store.

Being positive does not mean that you have to be Little Mary Sunshine and never offer developmental feedback. Being positive and caring does not mean that you give up maintaining standards and discipline. Leaders must give developmental feedback when needed and not shy away from tough discussions. However, it is important to intentionally create positive conversations in order to maintain the positivity ratio of at least five-to-one. The main behavior changes required are being pleasant, noticing what is going right, and then commenting on it in an appreciative way.

The book FISH! gives us an excellent example of how a group of determined people can create a positive culture. A group of fishmongers decided that they didn’t want to work in a negative environment anymore. They focused on four things that increased the positivity of their work environment: Play, Make Their Day, Be Present, and Choose Your Attitude. The results were amazing. Their work became more enjoyable and their business more successful.

Keep in mind, a leader’s job is to help everyone else be successful. If the people around you are failing, you are failing. Your job is to create success for everyone. One of the most effective ways to help people be successful is to help them focus on work and to motivate them. Creating and maintaining positive relationships can accomplish both of those things.

You can create a more pleasant work environment, motivate people in lasting ways that are effective when you aren’t watching over them, and increase productivity and efficiency just by waving around the Magic Wand of Destiny and intentionally choosing to be positive.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

 

Building and Rebuilding Trust

22 Tuesday Jan 2019

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

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trust chain 600 px

Think back to the leader that you consider to be a role model. Do you trust that person? Participants in workshops always answer yes. We trust the people who we are willing to follow. Great leaders need to be trustworthy in order to have the personal influence needed to get people to follow them. We build trust by being consistent. Great supervisors are consistent and reliable.

Honestly, none of us are going to be reliable and consistent all the time, but we need to manage it most of the time. Our employees need to know that we aren’t going to yell at them when they come to us with a problem. They need to feel confident that we are going to be calm and reliable. We’re going to ask questions and figure out how to fix the situation. We want our employees to feel that we are a stable, reliable force that is going to help them. Until employees feel confident that their leaders are reliable and consistent, they are going to be tentative and watchful—maybe even subversive or dishonest in order to avoid an unpleasant confrontation.

Fortunately for us, people tend to extend trust to people at the beginning of a relationship. Trust is a gift that we need to appreciate and work to keep. We want to avoid breaching trust because once it’s gone, trust is difficult to gain back. However, all is not lost if we lose someone’s trust. There are things that we can do to regain it as quickly as possible.

The first thing to do is to admit that we’ve done something disappointing. If we made a bad decision, forgot something, or lost our temper, we should admit it. The second thing to do is apologize. Some old-school thought states that leaders should never apologize. It’s based on the belief that leaders have to be perfect to be great leaders. The problem with that thinking is that none of us are perfect. We are human, and we make mistakes. We only make matters worse if we don’t admit them and apologize.

We also need to do whatever we can to fix the problem if that’s possible. An apology goes a long way, but we also want to do what we can to make things right. If we forgot to do something, how can we get it done and deal with the results of forgetting? If a plan doesn’t work, it’s time to regroup and try again. We help to rebuild trust when we do what we can to repair any damage that we’ve done.

After we have broken trust, we will have to continue to behave in a consistent, reliable manner until everyone feels comfortable again. It may take some time, so we need to be patient.

In summary, when we break trust, it’s important to acknowledge it, apologize, and do what we can to fix it. Then we continue to be trustworthy until whoever was affected decides that they can trust us again.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

 

I did my best to …

15 Tuesday Jan 2019

Posted by in Leadership, Motivation, Uncategorized

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I am reading Triggers by Marshall Goldsmith, and one of his recommendations has made a big impact in my life. He recommends a system to keep us on track to achieving our goals that involves asking questions of ourselves each evening. (Actually, Goldsmith pays someone to call and ask him his questions, so I that’s an option.)

In his earlier books, he put the questions in a yes- or- no format. For example, one question might be “Did I exercise today?” You could also ask yourself, “Was I a good spouse today?” I have to admit that the questions in this format did not resonate with me.

In Triggers, he modifies the system. Instead of yes/no questions, each question begins with “Did I do my best today to…” He got the idea from his daughter, Kelly. They did some research around the new format’s effectiveness, and those types of questions work better.

The new format also works for me. “Did I do my best to…” gives me a lot more information than just asking if I did it or not. It also makes me feel like less of a failure if I don’t get something done.

I came up with a list of questions. One of them is “Did you do your best to maintain an orderly and peaceful environment?” I have had a relatively crazy week and a half. I made an unplanned trip to help with a minor family emergency. I returned home and then spent the next day on last-minute details for two workshops. The next morning, I packed up, facilitated a workshop, stayed in a hotel one night, facilitated another day, and returned home. Needless to say, my home was a bit of a mess, with piles of clothes and papers scattered about. I would have to answer “no” if you asked me if I had maintained an orderly and peaceful environment.

However, on the morning that I left for the workshop, I was ready about 20 minutes before I had to leave. I took the time to put a few things away and load the dishwasher. My condo wasn’t perfect, but I did do my best on that day to maintain an orderly environment – and felt good about it. I didn’t do perfectly, but I did do my best under that day’s circumstances.

I told my friend about the question system, and she came up with a good one that I am now also using: “Did I do my best to stay healthy and vibrant today?” I’ve been slacking off on my exercise and eating habits. This question gets me to reflect on how I’ve supported my health daily.

So far, I don’t record my answers as Goldsmith suggests. I can see the value of monitoring trends and progress. I might set up a system that works with my calendar. I do not see myself setting up an Excel spreadsheet, as some of Goldsmith’s clients did.

He has a list of 22 questions. That feels overwhelming to me. I cannot focus on that many things at one time. I have three questions right now. There are the two mentioned above and this one: “Did I do my best to earn one million dollars today?” I feel an urge to apologize for such a grandiose goal, but I like it. In my mind it encompasses stewarding money, getting on top of my investments, and creating new business.

Earning money is a top priority in my life right now. Doing my best to make ends meet or make more money aren’t inspiring to me. Making my personal worth equal to at least one million dollars is.

I find it amazing that these questions are as motivating as they are. I look for opportunities to do my best. When I was organizing the workshops across the living room floor, I took a minute to do a plank. Instead of reaching for my iPad and playing Plants vs. Zombies as a break from writing, I get up and pick up a few things or start laundry. The questions are also motivating me to stick with getting my podcast going, despite some frustrating technical issues. (My podcast is going to help me earn a million dollars – in case you were wondering.)

It seems that the key is to pick areas where you want to change behavior and focus on those areas. I don’t have a question about being a good friend because I have a nice pattern and relationships with my friends. I’ve picked three areas for now and want to change my behavior around those.

Behavior change is not easy! Think about past attempts at diet, exercise, and saving money. Goldsmith focuses on behavior change and talks about how environment conspires to keep us stagnant and tempt us. That’s a whole ‘nother topic, but the questions are helping me overcome my environment. I have a great big TV and an iPad sitting next to me that offer mindless breaks.

The questions are helping me be more intentional in my actions and moving me towards my goals. That feels better than watching an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation – and I really like watching Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Clearing Old Dreams

08 Tuesday Jan 2019

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Fresh Start, Uncategorized

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At the beginning of the year, we often create a list of resolutions. The list can include things we want to do, goals we want to achieve, and intentions for how we want to be. However, one of the most useful things that we can do to create a foundation for success is to clear out and organize our physical things.

When I coach clients, we often start by getting rid of stuff. It’s amazing what a clean, spacious, and organized closet can do for you if you are feeling stuck or frustrated in life.

There are lots of people out there who have ideas and structures for getting your home organized. When my own children were small, I found FlyLady. She got me to run through the house for 15 minutes with a trash bag, collecting things to set free for other people’s enjoyment and use. The two questions that she had me ask were “Is it useful?” and “Do you love it?” A yes to either question meant I got to keep it.

Now, of course, Marie Kondo’s system is all the rage. It varies some from FlyLady, but she has us asking the same basic questions. I think that both of them are missing one of the biggest challenges to getting rid of clutter: many objects represent our dreams for the future.

We all have a clear idea of what we want our futures to hold. We don’t always say them out loud, but we have a vision and a mental to-do list. For example, for a few years, I was determined to go to Italy. I had listened to the book Under the Tuscan Sun (which is absolutely nothing like the movie.) The book is a sort of mundane account of a woman and her husband who decide to buy a home in Italy.

My then middle school-aged children mocked me for listening to the author tell her story in her Southern accent. But the story and life intrigued me. I wanted lemon trees and arugula growing along the driveway.

In support of that dream, I bought books about Italy. I got flashcards to learn to speak Italian. They set on the “someday” shelf on the bookcase in my bedroom.

One day I was clearing books and deciding what to get rid of. By that time, the Italy collection had been collecting dust for several years. I hadn’t talked much about my dream, but my then-spouse didn’t have much enthusiasm for the idea. I also realized that I didn’t really want to live that far from my family.

I decided to give up that dream. It hurt, but it was also freeing. There were a lot of “shoulds” wrapped up in the dream, like learning Italian and saving money. It made me sad to give up the dream, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen, and I gave away the books that represented the dream.

We also have a clear idea about who we are and who we want to be. Maybe we see ourselves as crafty moms who gracefully manage to make papier-mâché snakes with our children. Maybe we fancy ourselves as craftsmen of wool or wood. It could be that we see ourselves as learned or athletic. All of these self-identities have physical items that go along with them.

One of the most difficult things for me to get rid of was a pair of rollerblades. At the time, I had always considered myself an athlete. I played sports in high school and continued to be active. In my 20s I could ski backward down a German mountain slope. In my 30s, I carried children and all of their accouterment to various activities. In my early 40s, I carried camping gear and hiked with Boy Scouts as an Assistant Scout Leader.

When I was 49, I had brain surgery to correct an abnormality. I now live with five tiny platinum coils in my brain. In the couple of years before and since, I was not athletic. In fact, I feel nauseous and dizzy if I break a sweat or lift something heavy. I am not who I was by any stretch of the imagination.

I was clearing out the garage and came upon my dusty rollerblades. I had tried them and wasn’t great, but I had hopes of mastering rollerblading. At that moment, I realized that I was never going to rollerblade. Bigger than that, I was no longer athletic. Wow, what a blow that was. It sounds obvious, but moving from who I wanted to be to who I actually was was incredibly difficult.

I put the rollerblades into the give-away pile while sobbing. It was letting go of the self-image and the thing that represented that self-image.

Most of the things that clutter our lives are “one-day” things that represent what we want to do or who we want to be. Those things are beyond “Do I love it?” and “Is it useful?” The questions are “Am I ready to accept who I really am?” and “Am I ready to change my vision of the future?”

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

2019 Intention: Small Acts = Big Impact

01 Tuesday Jan 2019

Posted by in Leadership, Uncategorized

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During the height of holiday franticness, I was driving around town with a friend. We both commented on the demonstrated lack of Christmas spirit by our fellow drivers. People cut in front of us, sped past us, and were generally rude. It saddened me to see that the holidays had brought out worse, rather than better, behavior. Few of us were helping with peace on earth or showing good will toward others.

I don’t think we realize the impact that our actions have on others. Small acts can make a huge difference in someone’s life for good or ill. I was reminded of a time more than a decade ago when two people took the time to do a good deed. I feel immense gratitude for their actions to this day. Seriously, it makes me tear up with thankfulness whenever I think about it.

We were on a family vacation. Honestly, the details of where we were and where we were going are fuzzy. I think we were traveling by public transit to a ballpark outside of NYC. There were a lot of people on the train with us. My two sons were elementary school-age. When we moved to get off, my oldest son got trapped and didn’t get through the door in time. He was on the train, and the rest of us were off.

His father made a valiant effort to force the door open and was almost drug away by the train. I had read a lot of parenting and safety books and knew what to do. I went to the window, looked at my son and yelled through the glass, “Get off at the next stop and wait for us. We will be there as soon as we can.”

He was standing there, a small child in a group of adults. What happened next still brings a lump to my throat. A man and woman traveling separately both stepped towards him. One yelled through the glass, “I have him.” The other yelled, “I will wait with him.” The relief on both my son’s face and mine was obvious.

We all jumped on the next train, and when we got to the next stop, we saw my son standing on the platform with a man who was chatting amiably with him. The woman stood apart but was watchful. I get her and love her. She was making sure that the man was honorable. I was so relieved and grateful that I could have hugged them both and made them my best friends for the rest of our lives.

I have no idea what was on their agenda for that day. I don’t know if they missed meetings or were late for appointments. However, the 20 minutes they gave to us were some of the most significant moments in my life. I hope they know what an enormous impact they had in my life and my son’s. I hope they can feel my gratitude flowing toward them now.

Smaller, less time-consuming acts also can have a positive impact. Any time other drivers let me over into their lane, I wave to say thank you and send a small blessing for a good day and life their way. They have lowered my stress and improved my day.

Commitments to consistently and purposefully help can also change lives. I am fortunate to have a sister and son who made the commitment to call me every day when I was having a rough time. 2017 was a terrible year for me – lots of change and uncertainty. Much of the time, I was desolate and depressed. To be perfectly honest, I felt suicidal much of the time. I doubt that anyone, even my sister and son, knew the depth of my despair.

Yet they called over and over. They chatted with me and gave me hope. They knew I was sad and struggling and wanted to help. At the time, they had no idea how much they helped. They were literally my lifelines.

My son called as he drove home from work. There were construction and a weird traffic pattern that required him to cross lanes of traffic, which was usually at a crawl. He groused and yelled most days because no one was letting him get over. The other drivers would nudge the car ahead to be sure that he had no way to get in.

My call to everyone is “Let Andrew over.” You will improve Andrew’s day. You will ease a mother’s heart. You will actually feel better for the act of kindness. You will be supporting someone who is helping another. You will make the world a better place.

New year, new way of thinking. We all have the power to improve the lives around us and our own lives through small acts of kindness. When someone needs to get into your lane – in any real or metaphorical sense – pretend it’s Andrew, and please let him over. Your action will earn my undying gratitude and a blessing on your day and life.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Positional Power v. Personal Influence

18 Tuesday Dec 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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There is a simple motivational model called the Carrot and the Stick. It’s a metaphor. Imagine you are sitting on a wagon that is being pulled by a horse. If you want a stubborn horse to go forward, you can hit it with a stick. This is negative motivation, and it is fear of being beaten that motivates the horse. You could take a longer stick, tie a carrot to it, and put it out in front of the horse. The horse will move forward to try and get the reward. This is positive motivation. For the long term, you get better results from people by using positive motivation techniques – carrots.

Supervisors’ authority that comes from a job title is positional power. As supervisors, we can do things like putting people in for certain awards (i.e., give them carrots), and we have official ways to discipline people (i.e., use a stick to motivate). Positional power is important, but it isn’t what we want to use all the time because it’s only effective when we are with or near the employee. However, when we leave the area, the employee is no longer motivated. In fact, they will probably not work hard and will see what they can get away with. Using positional authority is a last resort.

On a daily basis, we want to use personal influence because it is more motivating and effective. We create personal influence by building positive relationships. Our employees will continue to work when we aren’t present if we have a relationship built on respect and trust. The main focus of the first section of the course is how to cultivate that personal influence.

One of the first steps is to define the qualities and abilities of an exceptional leader. In the workshops, the list created by participants usually includes knowledgeable, compassionate, confident, creative, approachable, humble, honest, trustworthy, trusting, big-picture thinker, motivating, inspiring, constant learner, consistent, and integrity.

In addition, there are two more qualities to highlight. Frontline employees always list two things right up front: listens and is fair. When we pay attention to people when they talk, it’s called active listening. When we practice active listening, we are letting people know that they are worth our time, that they are valuable. Listening with the intent to understand the other person’s point of view helps to build positive, trusting relationships. When discussing “fair,”  most employees mean not showing any favoritism.

It’s important to know that people usually don’t quit their jobs, they quit their bosses. As supervisors, we don’t want to run people off with a negative attitude. Turnover is expensive for an organization. The statistics vary between 50-90% of an employee’s annual salary. If at all possible, we want to keep people working for us and make them successful.

As supervisors, we have an enormous influence over the people who work for us. We can create a pleasant and supportive environment that makes people want to come to work or a negative, fear-filled environment that employees resent and want to escape. We affect the quality of our employees’ lives at work and at home because people carry their dissatisfaction with work to their homes.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Intentional Change Theory

04 Tuesday Dec 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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Intentional Change Theory bridge the gap

A professor named Richard Boyatzis studies leadership and personal growth. He came up with a model for the best way for us to improve ourselves. It’s called the Intentional Change Model, and here are the steps:

  1. What does your ideal self look like? What skills does your ideal self have? In what areas is your ideal self an expert?
  2. Take a hard look at your real self right now. How are your ideal self and real self similar? Those are your strengths. Gaps are where your real and ideal selves are different.
  3. Create a learning agenda that builds on your strengths and reduces the gaps.
  4. Try new behaviors, thoughts, and feelings in alignment with your learning agenda. If one thing doesn’t work, then try another!

The final point that Boyatzis stresses is the importance of having a person to journey with you through your intentional change. He says that trusting relationships enable us to experience and process each new personal discovery better.

Personal growth is a challenge. It takes analysis and hard work. As Boyatzis says, “People change in desired ways, but not without intentional efforts.”

Take some time to think about who you want to become. What can your ideal self do? How does your ideal self behave? What thought patterns or perspective does your ideal self have? My ideal self is a little more fit and financially more secure than my real self. Those are my gaps. My ideal self and real self are both confident and motivated. Those are my strengths.

Once we’ve identified our strengths and gaps, we want to create a plan! My plan would include more exercise and actions that will create more financial security. As part of my plan, I get to try different things to accomplish those goals. You get to experiment, too! It’s fun to try new behaviors and thought patterns.

We all want to be sure that we have a trusted friend or coach to help us process the journey and increase our awareness.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.