Tag Archives: #LeadYourselfFirst

Psychological Safety: Humor vs. Vulnerability

03 Tuesday Apr 2018

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As I move through life with my psychological safety-noticing glasses on, I’ve noticed a trend. These behaviors have probably been around forever, but I am looking at them with new eyes. What used to be funny is now a threat to psychological safety and the effectiveness of leaders and groups.

I first noticed in my leadership workshops that a few of the participants weren’t fully engaging in the activities. Instead of following instructions and practicing new skills, they were joking around. At first, I suspected that they were just being obnoxious. However, as I really looked at what they were doing, I realized that they were avoiding taking the risk of performing the skills incorrectly and looking silly.

In leadership workshops, we talk about the value of failure in learning. I have them sign their names with their dominant and nondominant hands to feel the difference. We are comfortable with our dominant hand, but signing with our nondominant hand is uncomfortable. We don’t do it all the time, and we aren’t good at it.

I warn participants that the uncomfortable feeling will come up as they practice new skills and that it’s OK. Actually, it’s required because if they don’t try anything new, they leave my workshop exactly as they walked in, and our time together has not been used well. Even with all that prep, some people in the group were not engaging and going all in.

Creating psychological safety so that people feel comfortable trying, and perhaps failing, is partially my responsibility as the group leader. I ensure that no one makes fun of anyone else. I call out any derogatory comments. I remind the group of the ground rules that they came up with and agreed to. I encourage and applaud them when they give something a shot. However, it’s still up to the participants to take that final leap to vulnerability, to show their true authentic selves, and to go all in on the exercises that we do to practice new skills. I was seeing a lot of joking around that was keeping them “safe.” They were using humor as armor to protect themselves

Instead of playing the role laid out in a conflict-resolution scenario, they were being funny – and they were funny! Hilarious at times, but the hilarity was keeping them and their fellow participants from experiencing the discomfort of trying and mastering new skills. Simply, they were refusing to be vulnerable.

Right after noticing the use of humor to avoid vulnerability in workshops, I noticed the behavior in a meeting that I attended. It was a weekly meeting where there was a great sense of camaraderie. The people knew and liked each other. However, when they got up to speak, they worked to get laughs from their friends. They got those laughs by making fun of each other and guests. One speaker actually got a laugh at the expense of a visiting high school student. No one else in the crowd looked fussed, and I was appalled.

By comparing my reaction to everyone else’s, I deduced that my sensitivity level around behaviors that damage psychological safety is much higher than most people’s. The comparison also let me know why psychological safety and high-performing teams are so rare; the damaging behavior didn’t register to most of the group. It was normal, acceptable behavior in their eyes. They didn’t see a thing wrong with the situation because it’s what they are used to.

It seems that the need for laughs came from a bit of insecurity when standing up in front of the group. The group’s norm included making fun of each other. The speakers must have felt vulnerable and were trying to hide it by picking on others to get a communal laugh that made them feel good and like they were part of the group. They felt the need to get armored up to ensure that they were not vulnerable.

Vulnerable. There is that word again. When you want research on vulnerability, you go to Brené Brown, a well-known author and YouTube star who talks about shame, vulnerability, and bravery. I thought that her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead was the place to start.

Brown opens the book with this quote from Theodore Roosevelt’s 1910 “Citizenship in a Republic” speech:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…”

Brown shares her reaction when she first read the quote. She thought, “This is vulnerability. Everything I’ve learned from over a decade of research on vulnerability has taught me this exact lesson. Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.”

There cannot be great victories or joy without great risk. We must put our hearts on our sleeves and fully engage in order to achieve the goals in life that matter to us. Of course, we also face the possibility of failure and maybe embarrassment, but those things aren’t fatal. They hurt for sure! However, the best of us have shoulders broad enough to carry that risk and set an example for the rest.

In Kathy’s Ideal World, we all risk failure – and great success. We go out in the arena and fully engage in life. We allow people to see what matters to us.

We also all cheer each other on from the stands through both. We create psychological safety for every person who we come in contact with by applauding their efforts and never, ever getting a laugh at their expense.

Psychological safety helps to create exceptional teams, and it requires vulnerability and bravery. Psychological safety in life requires the same, but it’s how we begin to lead exceptional lives.

Get out there, and go all in! Be vulnerable and willing to fail magnificently! I am cheering for you from the stands!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Fact and Feeling Parts

27 Tuesday Mar 2018

Posted by in #Communication, Feelings, Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

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It’s important to know that every message has a fact and a feeling part. One must identify both parts in order to deal with a conflict effectively or to communicate clearly.

This is a Kathy Observation, not researched fact, but I’m pretty sure that you cannot create psychological safety and strictly stick to facts all the time. We are humans, and humans have feelings. As leaders, we don’t have the luxury of ignoring them. I learned this lesson late in life, and it would have saved me some time and trouble if I’d known about it sooner.

For 20 years, I led volunteers as an Army spouse. In one group that met monthly, there was one young woman who always sat at my right hand and objected to everything that the group proposed. She objected on a factual level – logistics, budget, convenience. She slowed us down every single month.

If I’d been savvier, I would have figured out that it wasn’t the facts that she objected to. I had a vague notion that she was unhappy or resentful, but I had no idea why. There was a feeling component that I wasn’t dealing with at that time. If I’d asked and listened, I could have saved us a lot of time arguing over facts for no good reason.

Now I pay attention to everyone’s nonverbal communication and ask about any telltale signs of an emotion. People often agree with something or say that everything is fine while their nonverbals say exactly the opposite. Crossed arms, furrowed brows, and a lack of eye contact are all indicators that they don’t agree and everything is not fine. They will carry those unexpressed feelings out the door and stew in them if I don’t bring them out in the open by asking some questions.

It can feel scary to voluntarily dive into the ocean of emotions. The water is murky and deep, and you have no idea of what lurks down there. Take heart! First, leadership requires bravery – so take a deep breath, and go for it! Second, naming an emotion that you see and asking about it can create an uncomfortable situation, but it isn’t fatal. In the workplace, you generally get an explanation for the emotion that makes a lot of sense and gives you new information. The answers can be surprising – something that you wouldn’t have guessed.

We can only create psychological safety if we deal with both the facts and the feelings of individuals. The only way to identify the feeling part of a situation is to ask!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Open with a CAR

20 Tuesday Mar 2018

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I’ve talked with several people over the past few weeks about how to begin the difficult conversations that are the hallmark of psychological safety. Even if the group has norms in place that encourage people to challenge one another and to offer diverse ideas, it can feel intimidating to bring up a subject that is going to create some conflict.

A great way to start is with a CAR; it’s a feedback tool that includes Circumstances, Action, and Result. This format works well because it encourages us to talk about facts. Our discussions stay grounded in objective, observable behaviors.

CAR with outline

We begin by discussing the circumstances surrounding the action we want to talk about. We clearly outline when it happened and what was going on. For example, we might start with, “Yesterday when we were trying to get the order shipped for XYZ.” That tells the person or group what situation you are talking about.

Then we move on to the action or procedure that we want to discuss. We might say, “Fred followed our required procedures to get the order out the door.” It’s important to stick to observable facts and use no colorful adjectives or adverbs like “archaic” or “stupid” when describing the procedure or action – or a person, for that matter!

Then we explain the results of the actions. As much as possible, we want to make these business results – how the actions impacted the organization and group goals. If we continue with our example above, the results might have been that we did not get the shipment out on time because the required procedures include a lot of paperwork and time. We damaged the relationship with the customer, and our reputation for reliability was weakened. All of those results will make it more difficult to keep and gain customers.

After describing the circumstances, action, and result, we can offer an alternate action that would have been more useful. In our example, we might offer ways to streamline the process so that it takes less time. We could also ask for other people’s ideas about how to get orders shipped more efficiently.

It’s important to talk about the positive outcome that would happen with the new actions so that everyone stays focused on a positive business result. In our example, if we improve the shipment paperwork process, we can meet deadlines more easily, get more done faster, and maintain our reputation for reliability.

The beauty of the CAR format is that it helps to keep the conversation grounded in observable facts and desired business results. It keeps a group from blaming each other and going over past events. The focus is on achieving outcomes that help everyone.

Before we begin a discussion using the CAR format, it’s important to set our intention to create a positive, helpful environment for the conversation. Our purpose is to create success for the group and the organization, not to prove anyone wrong. We must maintain a helpful, positive attitude. We do not want to carry an adversarial attitude into the discussion.

The CAR format can be used to give any kind of feedback. In leadership workshops, we practice using it to give positive and developmental feedback to employees. We can use the CAR format to let someone know the specific action that he or she took that helped the team and organization. Remember, we want to create positive relationships and comment on the good things that we see as often as possible.

The CAR format is great for giving positive feedback because it tells the person exactly what they did that was useful and the good effect that it had for the business. Whenever we see someone doing something that we’d like to see them do again, we should give them some positive feedback on it. Appreciation is one of the biggest motivators for people.

Printing the CAR .pdf and using the individual CAR formats to keep track of feedback that we’ve given is an excellent practice. You can download a copy under the “Free Stuff” tab on my website. It’s a good way to collect information that we will need when we give performance reviews. It can be difficult to remember the actions of all of our employees over time.

It’s also a good idea to use the CAR format to keep track of our own actions. Our supervisors might not notice everything that we do. If we take a minute to jot down things we do, both good and not so good, we have specific examples to offer during our performance reviews. We can say, “I think I’ve done this well, and here are some examples.” Be sure to date the CARs. When asked what we need to work on, we will have already identified areas that we want to improve. If by chance our supervisors say that they think we need to improve in a certain area in which we have actually had some success, then we have ready examples of specific circumstances and our actions in those circumstances.

Maintaining a fact-based conversation with a positive attitude supports an environment of psychological safety. The CAR format can keep us on track and give us courage to start difficult conversations.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Danger of Indifference

13 Tuesday Mar 2018

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As I’ve been imagining what a psychologically safe environment looks like, I’ve seen it as animosity- and sarcasm-free. I felt like getting rid of active aggression would solve the problem and make people feel free to share their opinions and take risks. As I’ve watched the world around me, I’ve realized that another huge obstacle to psychological safety is indifference. Mostly, it shows up as not being fully present and attentive during a conversation.

The goal of a great leader is to create positive relationships. We know from Google’s Project Aristotle that exceptional teams have psychological safety, which does, in fact, create and foster positive relationships. One of the ways to create positivity in a relationship is to pay attention to the other person and actively listen to what he or she has to say.

We also know that positive relationships require a positivity interaction ratio of at least 5:1, which means that we must have about five positive interactions for every negative one. In one study, asking a student how homework was going turned out to be a negative interaction. For the purposes of maintaining the positivity ratio, a negative interaction doesn’t have to include animosity or anger; it just won’t be positive.

When we continue to type on the computer while talking to someone, we are having a negative interaction because we are not making the other person feel valued. We are sending the message that what they are saying is not as important as what we are typing. In workshops, I hear complaints over and over about bosses who don’t stop what they are doing to actively listen to what someone is saying.

Each and every interaction builds positivity and, hence, psychological safety, or damages it. Dr. John Gottman, a well-known researcher on successful relationships, calls them “sliding-door moments,” after a Gwyneth Paltrow movie called Sliding Doors. In the movie, Paltrow’s character decides to go home because she isn’t feeling well. We first see her miss a train in the London tube. She goes home and uneventfully climbs into bed. Then the scene replays, and she catches the train. She gets home earlier than she did in the first scenario and catches her boyfriend cheating on her with her best friend.

Gottman contends that we face sliding-door moments all the time in relationships. The dramatic difference in outcomes might not be as immediate as in the movie, but every interaction is a chance to turn towards a person and meet a need for connection. Each interaction is also an opportunity to turn away and ignore an emotional need. In The Science of Trust, Gottman writes:

“Failing to turn toward our partner in any one of these sliding-door moments may not have hugely negative consequences. However, when we add up many such choices to dismiss emotion instead of attuning to it, the result is two different trajectories leading to very different universes.”

If we pay attention to someone’s emotions and need for connection, we help to create psychological safety and a positive relationship. When we ignore or dismiss a person’s bid to connect, we damage the relationship because we damage trust. Each bid is really asking the question, “Can I trust you to respond to me as a person you respect and care about?” Make no mistake, leaders must care about the people who work for and with them.

Lately, what’s brought home the danger of not being fully present for me has been watching parents and children. I’ve noticed a lot of children staring off into space while a parent talks on the phone, reads a book, or plays a game. It breaks my heart. A charming child who makes bids for interaction with an adult is ignored. What conclusions is the child making about the parent? It is an accumulation of moments that leads to a certain outcome, so I’m not saying that we need to focus every moment on our children. However, if we are physically present with a child or adult and pay attention to something besides him or her, we are saying that the person is not as important as what we are doing.

We combat the challenge of indifference by being fully present in each moment when we are with others. We pay attention to them, to what they are saying, to their emotions, to their body language, and to their message. We show them that they are worthy of our time and attention, and in that moment, we are focused on them.

I heard the retired CEO of Campbell Soup Company, Douglas Conant, talk about his book TouchPoints: Creating Powerful Leadership Connections in the Smallest of Moments. He said that he used to view interruptions by his employees as annoying intrusions. He felt like he couldn’t walk down the hall without being pestered to pieces. Then he made a mindset shift and looked at each one of those moments as an opportunity to reinforce company values and provide encouragement. In other words, each interaction was a sliding-door moment, and he got to choose how to act and react. Conant advocates for pausing and being fully present instead of hurriedly brushing the person off.

Seriously, wouldn’t the world be a great place if we inhabited each moment and turned towards the people around us? In her work on increasing positivity, Barbara Fredrickson found that micro-moments of positivity with complete strangers can increase our own feelings of positivity. We get something out of paying attention to others! I’ve had some great and brief conversations while waiting in line at the grocery store when I’ve chosen to look at the people around me instead of at my phone.

Psychological safety, trust, and positivity are things we create one moment at time, but only if we intentionally choose to fully inhabit those moments and give the gift of our time and attention to others when it is asked for.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Negative Sentiment Override as a Way of Life

06 Tuesday Mar 2018

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I’m still fascinated by Negative Sentiment Override (NSO) and how it affects psychological safety, which influences our lives at home and at work. We’ve talked about what NSO is and that it’s hard to recognize it in ourselves. We’ve also discussed that we can’t force anyone else to stop being negative. The only person that we can change is ourselves.

So far, we’ve talked about one-to-one relationships, which the research on NSO supports. As far as I know, research on NSO has been done with couples in mind. I want to extrapolate the findings to other scenarios and want to be clear that we are now moving into Kathy’s musings and away from proven research.

As I’ve viewed the world lately through the lens of NSO and Positive Sentiment Override (PSO), I’ve noticed that some people seem to be in a state of NSO towards entire groups – not just one individual.

Of course, the most glaring, public example is of conservatives and liberals. I have friends in both categories, and what strikes me is their inability to see any good in what the other group says and does. It feels like a values issue, which means we feel most strongly about it. If we are in NSO, every action is an insult and we are enraged by them. However, if we are in PSO rather than NSO, we recognize neutral and positive actions and comments from the other side.

It’s important to remember that a state of NSO distorts our view of reality. We aren’t seeing things accurately. In a sense, we are demonizing people and groups with our interpretation of their words and actions. Honestly, it takes very little effort to put a negative spin on anything, and in NSO we are making up other people’s motivations. Keep in mind that we don’t know what anyone is really thinking or why they do things unless we ask.

We usually don’t ask because we surround ourselves with people who share our values and think like us. They reinforce our beliefs for us. We also scan the world for things that support our slanted view. We do not register facts that would support an opposing view – either because we don’t get those facts because we insulate ourselves, or we don’t notice. Remember, a partner in NSO misses 50% of the positive gestures of the other person.

Let’s go one step further. I’ve noticed people who have an NSO mindset about everything! I think it’s what I’ve considered a “victim mentality.” In NSO, a person is overly sensitive and hypervigilant for putdowns. I know people who live in that state. They cruise through life determined to be insulted by almost everything. They take the circumstances of life and most interactions with others as personal affronts.

All of this makes me very nervous about the accuracy with which I view people, groups, and the world. What positive things am I missing? What neutral things am I moving to negative? Honestly, it feels a little like an episode of The Twilight Zone.

It makes me wonder, am I in NSO towards any one person, group, or the world? How would I know? If I am in NSO, my view of reality is distorted. I am not seeing 50% of the good things about a person, group, or the world. If all that is true, wouldn’t I feel justified in my animosity and anger towards them?

And bingo! I think we’ve found the first tell. The question to ask is, “Am I angry a lot of the time?” Another good one is, “Do I feel insulted often?” Another good question is, “What am I spending my emotional pennies on?”

On the whole, I don’t live in a state of anger. I don’t feel like a person or group’s actions are a personal affront. There are groups that I don’t agree with because they do not value what I value. Their actions might make me angry, but it isn’t a permanent state. I don’t even hate these people.

And bingo! Here is our second hint about whether or not we are in an NSO state. We could ask, “Do I hate this group, this person, or the world?” It’s important to see other people as people, and not as objects. It’s really hard to hate someone who we view as having thoughts, dreams, and rights equal to our own.

In my experience, most people do what they believe is right based on their own experiences, values, and beliefs. Yes, people caught in NSO who cannot see any part of the other’s perspective are particularly annoying, but we cannot force them to change. We can only invite the behavior we’d like to see by showing them what positive and open-minded look like.

I feel that I could easily slip into an NSO state with a group. When we join a group that is in NSO, everything feels certain and comfortable. We all believe the same things, and there is a strong sense of belonging because it is us against them. It’s comfortable and not confusing at all. Everything is clear because we have taken a reality full of grays and made it black and white.

And bingo! Our third indicator of being in NSO is an absolute feeling of superiority of belief and value over another person or group.

So I feel a little better! I don’t have to sit around wondering if I’m distorting reality and clueless about it. I have questions I can ask myself:

  • Am I angry a lot of the time?
  • Do I feel insulted often?
  • What am I spending my emotional pennies on?
  • Do I hate this group, person, or the world?
  • Do I feel superior to another person or group?
  • Am I completely confident that my way of thinking and believing is the only right way?

Awareness is a first step to wisdom and control. Anyone who knows me knows I like control. Wisdom is something I’m always working on.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: Zero-Sum Game Mindset and Trust

13 Tuesday Feb 2018

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In the analysis of psychological safety, we’ve discussed the importance of creating a foundation of trust, but it was a superficial discussion based on personal experience. I wanted to find some research on trust, and the first person I turn to when I want research-based recommendations is Dr. John Gottman. Gottman is known for his work on marriage and relationship analysis through direct scientific observations.

He offers up a lot of good information on trust, but the first concept that I want to discuss is zero-sum game theory. In game theory, an underlying assumption is that we are all rational and want to maximize our own gains. In a zero-sum game, everyone wants to get the biggest payoff for themselves and also wants their opponents to get as little as possible. In a zero-sum contest, I’m happy if you get nothing!

I have worked with leaders who have a zero-sum game mindset. They want power, money, and promotions. They also don’t want anyone else to get these things. These leaders are nightmares to work with. Sometimes they experience success, but it’s at the expense of their organizations and everyone who works with them.

It’s key to understand that someone who lives in a zero-sum game mindset tries to win while getting you to lose AND believes that you are doing the same thing. This was a bit of a revelation to me. I know people who only look out for themselves, and I accept that about them. I didn’t realize that they believe that I am doing the same. Knowing they expect me to try to take advantage when I can explains a lot of behavior that was a mystery to me before. Of course, this is an accurate description of a negative relationship devoid of trust.

To me, this is an emotionally exhausting scenario. If I am working with someone who is trying to take me down, I am constantly watching my back and documenting every conversation. Neither one of us is focusing on work or organizational goals. We are wasting a lot of time and emotional energy.

In his research, Gottman found that in relationships without trust, partners did not feel joy in each other’s happiness and did not get particularly fussed when the other was upset. As a matter of fact, their emotions were only in sync when they were both in a negative or angry state.

I see professional relationships like this all the time! I am often called in to work with organizations when this scenario of distrust is present because the zero-sum game mindset keeps people from being productive. The team, group, or organization flounders because no one is focusing on organizational goals; they are all focusing on themselves.

Ok, zero-sum gaming is not good and is rife with distrust. Neither person is taking the other’s well-being into consideration. Let’s take a look at what Gottman says a trusting relationship looks like. Here is his definition of trust in What Makes Love Last?:

“Trust is not some vague quality that grows between two people. It is the specific state that exists when you are both willing to change your own behavior to benefit your partner. The more trust that exists in a relationship, the more you look out for each other. You have your beloved’s back, and vice versa. In a trusting relationship you feel pleasure when your partner succeeds and troubled when he or she is upset. You just can’t be happy if achieving your payoffs would hurt your significant other.”

He goes on to say that each partner doesn’t have to put the other’s needs first all the time – that is probably not healthy. However, their happiness is interconnected. Each will change his or her behavior to increase the gains and happiness of the other.

If we look at this from a leadership perspective, we cannot get a person’s best performance when we act from a zero-sum game mindset. To be a successful leader, we must do what we can to improve other people’s happiness and well-being. An exceptional leader helps to create success for the people he or she works with, as well as for the organization. I often use the truism “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” So when an employee or peer is upset, we need to feel some empathy.

In Gottman’s research, he had people watch the video of an argument that they had with their partners. They had a dial in front of them that they used to register the feeling that they had in each moment of the discussion. They turned the dial all the way to the left when they had been experiencing a negative emotion and all the way to the right when they had been feeling a positive emotion.

Gottman categorized the feelings into three boxes: Nasty, Neutral, and Nice. The Nasty box included negative behaviors like anger, criticism, belligerence, bullying, defensiveness, sadness, disappointment, fear, tension, whining, disgust, stonewalling, and contempt. The Nice box included positive emotions and behaviors like interest, amusement, humor, laughter, excitement, joy, validation, and empathy. Any sort of blah reaction in the middle, he put in the Neutral box.

I think the dial and emotion boxes are useful tools for leaders. When an employee is upset, our dial should move to the Negative box to show concern and sadness. We definitely don’t want to move our dial to the Nice box and be gleeful about the employee’s plight. We can check in mentally on where our dial is pointing during conversations to ensure we are acting appropriately.

We can only create positive, trusting relationships if we link our happiness and well-being to the happiness and well-being of others. Our friends, peers, family, and employees must believe that we have their best interests at heart.

Gottman teases out a difference between trust and trustworthiness. He says that trustworthiness indicates a partner’s willingness to sacrifice for the relationship. It means sometimes putting our own needs on the back burner because the partnership matters most.

As leaders, we can’t put the individual needs of everyone in the organization above organizational requirements. Our main goal is the organization’s success. However, that does not mean that we can’t take them into consideration, feel empathy, and make what accommodations that we can.

Gottman goes on to say that it is important to let the other person know that the relationship is unique and irreplaceable. In other words, we want to let the other person know that we value the relationship and that he or she is valuable. How great would the world be if we did that one thing in every relationship that we have?

Research on motivation shows that people respond to appreciation and want to know that what they do makes a difference. When we are trustworthy, we act in a way that increases trust, motivation, commitment, and productivity. We also increase the confidence and well-being of others.

We know from Project Aristotle that the presence of psychological safety helps teams excel. We know that trust and trustworthiness increase a person’s feeling of safety and confidence. We can create success for everyone by avoiding the zero-sum game mindset and truly creating win-win scenarios for everyone, including the organization.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Psychological Safety: We Are All Naturally Creative, Resourceful, and Whole

30 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Leadership, Psychological Safety, Uncategorized

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In the examination of psychological safety, we’ve talked about a need to be trusting and trustworthy. We’ve also discussed the importance of having the courage to let people express their opinions and feelings – standing bravely in the lion’s roar. I’ve discovered another big reason why we have trouble creating psychological safety, and it’s inspired by the best of intentions.

We want to protect other people from disappointment, annoyance, and anger. We want to make their lives smoother and easier. It is definitely a feeling of protection – and it’s not helpful, even though that is our intention.

As I look at my own parenting and the parenting of others, I see a lot of protection going on. We don’t want our children to experience crushing feelings of disappointment or failure. However, we aren’t helping our children or any adult by keeping them from facing and managing unpleasant feelings.

In fact, we are viewing them as too weak to handle a difficult situation. We are telling them that we don’t trust their abilities to overcome a challenge and manage their emotions. It’s a terrible message to send.

We are also robbing them of the opportunity to grow emotionally. Each time we overcome a difficult situation, we get stronger and better at it. When the next challenge comes along, we think, “I totally got through something similar before, so I know that I can do it again.” Facing and overcoming challenges builds resilience and confidence. We don’t want to steal those opportunities from people.

One phrase helps me when faced with the urge to protect someone from difficult feelings. In coaching, we consider people to be naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. We trust that every person can face and manage the experiences in their lives. It is true! We are all naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. It’s important that we trust in the ability of others to weather the storms of life and that we have enough courage to stand beside them in those storms.

I’ve volunteered with the Military Child Education Coalition (MCEC), where a team of facilitators would spend a couple of days educating community leaders on the unique challenges that military kids face. The one concept that struck me was how they explained what a military child, or anyone else, needs in order to overcome huge challenges and disappointments.

MCEC says that the adage “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is not always true. A person can experience overwhelming psychological damage if two things are not present during the struggle. Those two things are hope and support. MCEC doesn’t advocate keeping a child from experiencing grief or change; we can’t anyway. They say we must offer hope and support.

That’s what we can offer others when we see that they are facing a situation that creates strong negative feelings. We shouldn’t try and keep them from experiencing disappointment or anger. We want to offer support and hope for a better future.

Seeing someone as naturally creative, resourceful, and whole is a tremendous gift. We show confidence in their abilities to handle life. When we allow people to feel difficult emotions and overcome difficult situations, we are giving them the opportunity to grow stronger and build confidence. What we can do is stand beside them and offer support and hope. Helping someone build resilience is helping them create success in life.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Effect Conflict: What Reality Are You In?

03 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by in Effective Conflict, Leadership, Uncategorized

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The “Three Levels of Reality” sounds like a great title for a Star Trek episode. However, it is a model that can improve our ability to communicate effectively, handle conflict in a positive way, and motivate others. I learned the concept during my Organization and Relationship System Coaching (ORSC) certification program, and I discuss it in leadership seminars all the time. The three levels are Essence, Dreaming, and Consensus Reality.

Essence level describes feeling and experience before we put it into words. Once we start to describe a feeling or experience, it becomes less accurate because the description depends on words that cannot adequately capture an experience, feeling, or potential.

Once we have named a feeling, experience, or idea, we are in Dream level. There we create different possible outcomes and imagine things that we can then make real.

Consensus Reality is where dreams go when we make them a reality. Consensus Reality is what we all agree is here – chairs, offices, procedures, companies, etc.

Successful groups navigate through the different levels together. A group that stays in Dreaming level can become frustrated because it never DOES anything. On the other hand, if a group jumps straight to Consensus Reality level, they miss a lot of possibilities that happen in brainstorming and exploring in Dream level. Conflict happens when one person is talking about ideas in Dream level and another is talking tangible facts in Consensus Reality. I see this type of conflict often in my coaching.

Some of us are dreamers who like to discuss our ideas out loud. Others are logical people who like to talk about facts; we don’t say something unless we intend to follow through on it. Logical people judge ideas by how reasonable they are. When dreamers and logical people talk about things, conflict and frustration can often arise because they are talking on two different levels of reality.

For example, let’s say a married couple is out for a walk. The husband is a dreamer who likes to talk about ideas and what might be possible. He begins to talk about all of the wonderful things that they could do to remodel and transform their kitchen. Dreamers like to talk about ideas. They usually don’t intend to act on them right away. They get joy from talking about possibilities.

The wife is a logical person and a realist. She knows that they cannot afford to redo the kitchen right now. Besides, it would also create a huge mess, and they have people coming to their home for the holidays. She immediately begins to point out all of these facts. The husband is hurt and angry that she is squashing his ideas and fun. The wife is upset that the husband would consider turning her life upside down right now.

When I work with teams and couples with these two types of people, I explain that they are talking on two different levels of reality. Dreamers like to dream. Unless a dreamer says something three times, he or she probably doesn’t intend to follow through right now.

If the logical person can join in the dreaming, the conversation can be quite fun. I find it helps to have an opening conversation about the Three Levels of Reality. We talk about the levels and how we behave when we are in each level. The logical person is free to join in the dreaming fun once he or she is confident that the conversation isn’t about concrete plans.

If the logical person isn’t sure, he or she can check in and ask, “Are we dreaming?” If the dreamer says yes, then off they go! This one revelation completely transformed the relationship of one couple that I worked with for the better.

Talking about the levels of reality with a person or group is just creating clear communication. Many conflicts are not true disagreements; they are misunderstandings. We don’t ask enough questions and keep an open mind during a conversation. We make assumptions based on our own beliefs, experiences, and personality types.

Once again, I am going to harken back to the Conversation Outline and the Listen and Share step. We can avoid a lot of conflict just by being curious and open-minded. Most people have a logical reason for what they think and believe. We can resolve conflict when we have all of the information that we need. We cannot resolve conflict effectively if we are working from assumptions. We ask questions to determine in which level of reality each person is operating.

After the Listen and Share step is Develop Solutions. It’s the brainstorming step. I think of it as a funnel. In the beginning, there is a lot of dreaming and talking about possibilities. That sort of discussion fosters creativity. Then we begin to talk about those ideas in terms of what is reasonable and feasible. Remember, assuming that our standard for “reasonable” is the same as everyone else’s is a dangerous thing. At every step in a conversation, it’s important to be curious and ask questions. The dreamers and logical people find their common ground during the process of developing solutions.

For a bit of practice, define the level of reality in which you are operating throughout the day. Then, figure out what level other people are in. Conversations across levels usually end in conflict. Skillfully recognizing and steering a group (and yourself) through the different levels improves motivation, creativity, and productivity because it fosters clear communication – which is the foundation of effective conflict.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model: Financial Stability

19 Monday Jun 2017

Posted by in Leadership, Uncategorized

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Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

Finance is not my area of expertise, and I won’t be making any investment recommendations. The key piece of this pillar is to live within your means so that you don’t spend emotional energy on worrying about money and bills.

I know, that’s easier said than done. Housing costs alone are enough to make a person crazy! Someone making $16 an hour and working full-time makes $2,560 a month before taxes. No one can live on their own without a roommate or help on that much money.

My first suggestion is to create a useful mindset around money. It’s a tool. We sometimes give it a lot of emotional power and think of money as the enemy. There are lots of resources out there to help you change your feelings about money. My parents fought about money all the time, and as a result, I had terribly negative feelings about money for much of my life. That mindset did not serve me. It is a subject that I still don’t embrace, but I’m better about it than I used to be. Once you have a healthy emotional relationship with money, it’s easier to realize that you control it, not the other way around.

Second, wave around the Magic Wand of Destiny and use a budget to gain control. Take a hard look and what comes in and what goes out. Then, make intentional choices based on what’s most important to you.

 Third, get creative. The tiny house movement is a great example of people thinking outside the box. I’m a fan of Tiny House Nation, a show about people building customized tiny houses to live in. The most common reason that people give for going tiny is financial freedom. They want to own a home and still have enough money to travel – and eat!

My final suggestion is hard-won wisdom: stay self-sufficient by keeping your hand in the workforce and creating a credit history. Creating a credit history isn’t too difficult. Even when I was a stay-at-home mom, I put the utilities in my name and had a credit card. Those two things helped me to create a good credit history. I didn’t do as well at maintaining a career.

I always believed that I would easily jump back into the workforce after staying home with my children. Times change, and so did our economy. In my late 50s, I am faced with the stark realization that I am not fully self-sufficient. It’s maddening and frustrating.

Keep in mind that we don’t need a ton of money to have financial stability. The goal is to minimize our worry and stress around money so that we can truly bloom and flourish in all areas of our lives. I’m not stressed about money — just taking positive action toward more financial stability. I am thinking that I might like living in a tiny house!

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 (Two-Minute) Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.

Peaceful Base

09 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by in Bloom and Flourish, Uncategorized

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Kathy’s Bloom and Flourish Model

  1. Peaceful Base
  2. Physical Health
  3. Positivity Spiral
  4. Flow/Accomplishment/Meaning
  5. Positive Relationships
  6. Spiritual Connectedness
  7. Financial Stability

Peaceful Base

It’s not exciting or glamorous, but an organized life is the foundation for a flourishing life. If your house and/or office are a mess, this is the place to start. I’ve seen over and over again that clearing clutter and simplifying life is the springboard to all sorts of success and possibility. It’s the first thing that Cheryl Richardson, well-known life coach, has her clients do.

I began my decluttering journey more than a decade ago with FlyLady. You can find her online at FlyLady.net; however, I feel that she has gotten way too complicated and hard to figure out. The best thing that she has to offer right now is a book called CHOAS to Clean in 31 Easy BabySteps. It is a good start if you are completely overwhelmed by clutter and mess.

The main thing that I got from FlyLady is that you can do anything for 15 minutes. I recently ordered her timer again for my son who had asked for it. He is 28 years old and grew up using a timer for chores. She also advocates for a morning and evening routine with 15-minute cleaning and decluttering sessions. I’m a believer in morning and evening routines!

Several of the books and tools that I used in the beginning are no longer available! I spent a frustrating afternoon looking for things that don’t exist. So, I began to look at what was out there. The person I like best is Clean Mama. She has a simple system, and her website is easy to figure out. She also has lots of free printables. It’s a good place to start if you are looking for a system to keep your house clean and straight. Here is a link to her weekly cleaning routine: https://www.cleanmama.net/weekly-cleaning-routine

Marie Kondō’s book the life-changing magic of tidying up has gotten a lot of press. Her system will help you reduce the amount of stuff that you have, but it won’t help you stay organized. I don’t care for her system because it requires you to make a big mess in the beginning that looks overwhelming. If that appeals to you, go for it! If it doesn’t, there are other ways to simplify.

I read about the Mount Vernon method in The New Messies Manual ages ago. I love it! At George Washington’s estate, the cleaners start at a doorway and then methodically work their way around the periphery of the room. When that room is done, they move on to the next one.

I use the Mount Vernon method a lot in the kitchen. The refrigerator is to the left of the door from the living room to the kitchen. I start by wiping it down. Then I move to the small counter with the microwave. I take the room in three-foot increments. I stand at a section and look at everything from floor to ceiling and determine what needs to be put away and what needs to be wiped off. When that section looks great, I move on.

One of the things I like best about the Mount Vernon method is that if I get called away or run out of time, what I’ve done looks good, and there aren’t any piles waiting to be dealt with. I put everything away in a section before I move on to the next one.

The Mount Vernon method works in every room! If I don’t finish a room, I just pick up where I left off last. I do leave the floors for last or do them on vacuuming day.

Another hugely helpful concept that I’ve read in several books is to ask three questions each time you pick something up to put it away. First, “is it useful?” That is to say, does it have a purpose, and do you use it for that purpose regularly? The second question is “do you love it?” If the answer to both is no, then get rid of it!

I keep a basket by the door of giveaway items. When it’s full, I take everything to a charitable organization. I go every few weeks to drop things off. I also get rid of something when a new thing comes in the house. For example, if I buy a new pair of shoes, I look to see if there is a pair I can get rid of. I do the same thing with clothes.

If a thing is useful and/or you love it, it must have a home! This is critical! Don’t put it down in a pile and think you will find a place for it later. If it’s worth keeping, it needs a set place to live. Figure it out, and put it there every time. Life is so much better when everything has a place!

Most organization books suggest cleaning the kitchen and straightening the living room in the evening before we go to bed. It is lovely to wake up to a clutter-free house; it makes the mornings go smoothly. However, I find it a challenge to accomplish tasks at night when I’m tired, so I use a mental trick. (Fortunately, I’m a sucker for my own tricks.)

My goal is to set Future Kathy up for success. I want to get the kitchen counters clear so Future Kathy will have an easy time in the morning. Sometimes I set the timer on the coffee pot so that Future Kathy will wake up to the smell of brewing coffee. The key is that I like Future Kathy, and I want to help her.

In the morning, I am Future Kathy, and I am profoundly grateful for the work that Past Kathy did to make my morning an enjoyable success. Over the years, Past Kathy and Future Kathy have become an unbeatable team!

You got a head start on the last step of creating a Peaceful Base if you got rid of some energy drains last month when we talked about making ourselves more resilient. Energy drains also keep us from flourishing! Here is a link to the blog on emotional drains and Emotional Pennies: https://kathystoddardtorrey.wordpress.com/2017/04/11/making-yourself-resilient-before-it-rains/ Keep in mind that we want to minimize our expenditure of Emotional Pennies by getting rid of as many people, things, and situations as possible that drain our emotional energy.

Actions for creating a Peaceful Base:

  1. Declutter your house and office.
  2. Set up routines to help you keep things clean and straight. The goal is to help your Future Self be successful and happy!
  3. Eliminate emotional drains.

Grab your to-do list and the habit tracker that we talked about last week; then, write down the actions that will help you create a peaceful base. Start slowly! It’s important to add new behaviors gradually so you don’t get overwhelmed. FlyLady starts with shining your sink every night. If that’s all that you get done for a week, that’s fine. Your Future Self appreciates any and all help that she gets.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.