Category Archives: Leadership

Facing a Turtle Hurricane

18 Tuesday Sep 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Positivity, Uncategorized

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I have intended to write my blog for this week all day. Admittedly, I’ve been shoulding on myself. In my defense, I am in North Carolina, in the path of Florence. By the time you read this, the unknown will be known, and most of the event will be over.

However, right now I am tapping my foot and waiting on Florence. Someone on Facebook said that waiting for a hurricane is like being stalked by a turtle for four days. I so get that! I know that there is devastation out there, and I am on the edge of the band that could get 12-18” of rain and 60-80 MPH winds. I’ve determined that the waiting and the unknown are a huge distraction!

I began to think about what part of the situation is getting me agitated. I am not being urged to evacuate. I have water, food, candles, and flashlights. My iPad, iPhone, computer, and Kindle are fully charged. I am ready and am not worried about losing some electricity.

When I face a situation that I want to figure out, I start with the things that I know. I know that I am probably going to lose electricity. I know that it is going to rain a bunch. I know that it is going to get really windy. I am okay with all of those. I’ve faced rain, wind, and a lack of electricity many times. It’s familiar, and because I’ve done it before, I feel sure that I can do it again.

Then I move to what I don’t know. I am in my new condo, and I’ve never been through a big storm here. I am pretty sure that I don’t have leaks anywhere, but I don’t know for sure. I have not seen how water flows around my condo during a storm. My little condo and I have not survived a storm together, and I am not completely confident about its performance.

A lack of trust when facing a new situation or working with a new person is completely normal. We feel uncertain until we’ve had a chance to see everyone and everything in action. Trust isn’t given automatically; it’s earned. Once I’ve weathered this big storm in my condo, I will feel better about the next storm.

I also don’t know what to expect with 60 MPH winds. Will the roof blow off? Will all the trees fall? Is my beloved Honda Pilot named Amber in danger as she sits out in the open in front of my condo? Should I move her up the hill? Once the deluge starts, will it be too late? Once again, I will know the answer to all of those questions in the next 48 hours and be more comfortable the next time a storm blows in.

So what could I do about the unknowns? I could go knock on a neighbor’s door and ask if they’ve been through a storm here before. I could go online and read about past hurricanes’ effects on NC. (That was not a great idea. Twenty-six people died in 2016 in NC during Matthew. 680,00 people were without power.) Still, I’d rather be prepared.

The other thing that is getting me more agitated is The Weather Channel. I know they are making sure that people understand the dangers. (See notes on Matthew above.) However, the doomsaying has been going on for days. I look out my window, and it is still and sunny, yet I’m anxious because the meteorologists keep scaring me!

I just heard a Weather Channel person say, “It’s only going to get worse from here.” I feel sorry for them. They have to keep talking and keep me riled up while the turtle is stalking us all. A turtle really is a great metaphor. I can hear a Weather Channel person saying, “Look right here. You can see where the turtle’s right foot has moved slightly ahead of the left foot.” Honestly, it’s tough on all of us.

Of course, I could turn the TV off. I have for several extended periods today. When it’s off, I’m afraid that I’m missing something. What if the turtle finds a jet pack? What if it starts stalking someone else? (Sorry, South Carolina!) What if the turtle’s tornadic rabbit friend catches up and passes it? What if I miss some potentially LIFESAVING piece of information? Ack!

Yes, that’s all internal dialogue that I control. And yes, I’m working on controlling it. But the waiting and unknown are getting to me.

The best thing that I did today was go over to a friend’s house and help her hang some drapes. We chatted and laughed while we stuck the hooks in the pleats and then hoisted the heavy drapes up. Of course, reaching out to others is usually a good solution for whatever is going on. Everything feels bigger and scarier when we are alone. Even connection on Facebook makes me feel better.

What’s the learning here?

1. Follow the juice. That’s a coaching phrase that I also apply in workshops. If there are energy and enthusiasm behind a subject or topic, follow it! I could not get myself motivated to write about the topic I had chosen for this week, so I changed! I followed the juice and wrote about the thing that was uppermost in my mind and having an effect on my life.

Sometimes, we just have to do things that we don’t want to do. However, we can usually modify the task and take on a part that is less distasteful. For example, I have two boxes of miscellaneous stuff left to unpack. I can’t face doing them all at once, so I take breaks from other work and put away five things. In small doses it feels like a reverse scavenger hunt. I have to figure out where each little thing goes. Everything has to have a place! There is some juice behind everything having a place.

2. Reach out. Everything is less scary and daunting if you do it with someone else. My friend and I had a great time hanging drapes yesterday. After we hung the drapes, we moved the cars in her garage to make room for some outside stuff. We got the gas grill, trash cans, and potted plants in there. It didn’t take us long, and it was fun to do together.

My mom lived with us for 10 years before she died. She and I did some awful and easy tasks together. They were always fun because she was fun. We laughed through carrying heavy furniture and putting sheets on beds. It was all better when we were together. Positive people help in every way.

3. Minimize the negative. Of course, I need to know what is going on with the weather. Florence is a threat, as are tornadoes caused by Florence. However, I don’t have to stay plugged in all day. I have alerts set up on my phone so I don’t have to get caught up in the frenzy.

In life, there are lots of people with Weather Channel syndrome. They like to dwell on the terrible things that might happen and always expect the worst. First, don’t be one of these people. Second, stay away from them.

Keep in mind that newscasters’ goal is to get you riled up and keep you that way. It makes their numbers better. Small doses of news every day is a good idea.

4. Worrying doesn’t prevent anything. I am in my second day of writing now, and Florence has been significantly downgraded for us. Winds will top at 35 MPH, and expected rain is 8-12”. It’s good to prepared for the worst, but worrying about it only exhausts a person.

5. Check in. It’s always a good idea to check in with yourself when something is bothering you. It’s a good idea to start with solid facts that are provable. Don’t allow any assumptions to sneak onto the list. “We are all going to die” is an assumption. “We are probably going to lose power” is a fact.

The next step is to catalogue the unknown. Once you have the list, what can you research and move into the factual column? Some things are just unknown, and you have to wait for the answer, but we can usually minimize the list.

Lastly, check in with your emotions. What are you feeling, and why? Awareness is a huge first step. Once we know what and why we feel a certain way, we can usually do something to improve the situation.

Sometimes it’s a values issue; we are not acting in alignment with our values. Sometimes, it’s the influence of outside negative influences. Whatever it is, we have to define it before we can deal with it.

The turtle is almost here. I am ready and calm. Really, that’s one of the great goals in life and a hallmark of a great leader.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

Expectation – Reality = Disappointment

11 Tuesday Sep 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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At a high school reunion almost ten years ago, one of my brilliant classmates said, “Disappointment is the difference between our expectations and reality.” Obviously, the idea has stuck with me, and I’ve been reminded of it quite a bit lately.

In workshops, I ask if anyone has had a month that went according to plan. The answer is always laughter and some groaning. Then I ask who has had a week in the last few months that went smoothly and without surprises. I get some head shakes and mumbles. Then I ask if anyone has had one day in the last six months that went exactly as they planned it. Every now and then I get a hand in the air, but it’s very rare.

Even though our days rarely go without a glitch, we expect them to go perfectly  ̶  no forgotten items, no car trouble, full milk cartons, and no last-minute requirements or changes. It’s an unrealistic expectation, and we are constantly disappointed and annoyed. We end up tossing a lot of emotional pennies at events that don’t deserve that much attention.

It’s more useful and productive to expect things to go wrong. I don’t mean we should adopt an Eeyore attitude of doom and gloom; it’s not healthy to expect everything to go wrong. We are looking for a healthy balance. If we spill something on a shirt, we can take a breath and recognize it as today’s glitch – not a super annoying personal attack. Accidents and mistakes are okay and normal.

Keeping things in perspective can help in most situations. For example, I am currently moving into a condo. I never planned to live in a condo at this stage in my life. Reality is less than my lifelong expectations, and I’m mad about it. I am also disappointed. My resistance is causing me to use a lot more emotional pennies than is necessary.

I’ve been working to adjust my expectations. There is nothing wrong with my condo. It’s updated and cozy. It’s all the space that I need. By accepting my situation and lowering my expectations, I create more contentment and peace.

I am reminded of the Serenity Prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971):

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Our goal is to be wise enough to accept what we cannot change right now. I don’t plan to live in my little condo forever, and I am taking actions to change my situation. However, it’s the best place for me now. Accepting where I am now saves a lot of emotional energy that I can use to change those things that I can.

There is a need to maintain a balance of our expectations. I am not suggesting that we lower our expectations so far down that we are never disappointed because that would also diminish our drive to set stretch goals and challenge ourselves.

When leading others, wisdom and realistic expectations are essential. I’ve watched a plant manager have a meltdown and yell at an employee because a piece of machinery broke down. First, it wasn’t the employee’s fault. Second, machines break sometimes – even with proper maintenance. Third, being outraged at a glitch and the people dealing with it damages the relationships. Great leaders create positive relationships.

It’s way more productive to expect bad things to happen now and again. It’s better to think, “Well, here’s today’s mess. How can we clean it up?” Spend the emotional pennies on solving the problem, not being outraged that it’s messing with your plans and not meeting your expectation of a perfect day.

Serenity, courage, and wisdom can carry us a long way towards having a good day. Maybe not a perfect day, but a good one. It’s all in how we manage our expectations.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

 

Ask More Than Tell

04 Tuesday Sep 2018

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Most great leaders have a lot of experience and knowledge. They have figured out the best ways to do certain things, and they want to share that information with others because they want to help them. Those are good intentions but not always great leadership.

Our goal is to help other people to become great leaders, too. We don’t accomplish that by telling everyone how to do everything. They need to develop problem-solving abilities, try out solutions, and learn how to adjust when things don’t go as planned. Our job is to make that process as painless as possible.

In my leadership workshops on coaching employees, the participants practice by coaching each other on a real-life topic. I give the people being coached an index card and have them write “telling” on one end of it. Whenever the person coaching starts to “tell” rather than “ask,” they hold up the card.

I know from watching this exercise for more than a decade that it’s really, really difficult to ask more than tell. The telling cards get flashed pretty often. The people coaching struggle to come up with open-ended questions and often end up telling the other person what he or she needs to do to solve the issue.

We help by asking questions. Instead of immediately launching into a lecture about the right way to do a task, we want to ask some questions that will guide the person through some analysis.

Here are some possible questions to ask:

  • What do you see as the biggest challenge?
  • Have you ever faced anything like this before?
  • What would be the ideal outcome?
  • What do you think is the best way to proceed?
  •  What other factors do we need to take into account?

We become better at asking questions by practicing. One way to begin is to commit to asking at least three questions before offering any suggestions or advice. This structure helps us to get out of the habit of sending solutions immediately.

Asking three questions is a good thing to do in personal relationships, as well. One client transformed his relationship with his family by using this simple exercise.

As much as possible, we want to let people do things their way! It creates a sense of ownership, and the learning is much greater than if they are just following steps that we outline. It also increases the positivity of our relationships. The ability to create positive relationships is one of the hallmarks of great leadership.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

Question everything!

28 Tuesday Aug 2018

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It’s dangerous for leaders to accept assumptions as fact. Heck! We miss a lot if we don’t question things presented as absolute truth.

I realized that even conventional wisdom deserves to be questioned back in 1988 when my first child was born in Germany. American baby books insisted that submerging a baby in water before the umbilical cord came off could cause grave health effects. However, the German nurse dunked my son in a tub of water the day after he was born. I gasped!

She turned and asked me what was wrong. I explained that Americans don’t submerge babies until the umbilical cord falls off. She cocked an eyebrow at me and asked how we kept the umbilical cord clean. I told her that we swabbed it with alcohol – and she gasped. She said incredulously, “You put alcohol on babies?”

Hmmm. Two countries full of people with normal belly buttons – each insisting that their way was the only right way! Now, when someone tells me that something “has” to be done a certain way, I cock an eyebrow and say, “Are you sure?”

“Because it’s always been done this way” is a sure cue that it’s time to look around for other ideas, and so is “That can’t be done.” I’ve heard my share of both of those phrases. On one Army post, the hunting area bordered the playground. Disoriented bow hunters often came out of the woods and onto the play area. I went to talk with someone about it, and he said, “Mrs. Torrey, it’s always been that way.”

Hmmm. That doesn’t necessarily make it a good idea. I told him as much and finished with, “Now that I have brought it to your attention, it is your responsibility if a child is hurt or killed.” He decided that the way it had always been done needn’t continue, and they backed up the borders of the hunting areas.

Great leaders are creative thinkers! They don’t get stuck in thinking ruts walked by millions of others. They try to see everything from fresh perspectives. They also don’t accept the status quo. If it’s not a good idea, it’s not a good idea no matter how long it’s been around.

As leaders, it’s important that we look at work and home life in new ways and ask ourselves some questions. What assumptions are we making about people and situations? If we don’t know something for a fact, then let’s get out there and question it. Let’s question everything! It’s the perspective of great leaders.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

Cancel that order!

21 Tuesday Aug 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Resilience, Uncategorized

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My sister and I talked about a way to change thought patterns a while back. It’s a technique that I made up called Cancel that order! I talk about it at the beginning of my leadership series as a part of our emotional intelligence discussion. I was pleasantly surprised when my sister told me about using Cancel that order! and how it was helping her, her friends, my nephew, and his friends.

One of her friends called to chat while I was there, and she brought up Cancel that order! without any prompting from me. She said that none of that “positive thinking crap” worked for her but that Cancel that order! had helped her think more positively and also to gain more confidence.

Wow! It was humbling and fabulous feedback. I am so gratified when my coaching stuff really impacts people’s lives. However, the first person that I developed the technique for was me.

My mom was a worrier. She worried about money, her first grade students, and anyone driving. For a long time, I was a worrier, too.

Then I realized a couple of things. First, worrying about what may or may not happen is a huge emotional energy drain. Second, my worrying did not improve anyone’s chances of success or survival.

Worrying and negative self-talk are habits just like any other habit. We can change them with some effort. I designed a mental game to help me change my worrying ways. I pretended that every thought was a request for something that I wanted. When I thought about something, I was placing an order for it.

When I thought, “I am not going to have enough money this month,” I was placing an order for that to happen. Immediately I would think or say out loud, “Cancel that order!” Then I would replace the order with a new one: “I have plenty of money to make it through the month.”

The fancy, technical term for this is cognitive restructuring. Cognitive restructuring sounds like a hard and technical concept, but it’s not. It’s simply creating new thought habits and intentionally changing the way we think. It’s very powerful.

It isn’t always easy, but we can change our thinking patterns. Any time you catch yourself worrying and creating a worst-case scenario in your head, cancel that order! I actually clap my hands together when I am cancelling an order. Replace the negative thought with a thought about something that you want to happen or with an affirmation. Creating a positive internal dialogue makes life way less stressful.

Cancel that order! is very effective in dealing with negative self-talk. Pay attention to your thoughts. Anytime you hear yourself thinking that you aren’t enough in some way, cancel that order! If you walk to the closet thinking, “I don’t look good in any of my pants,” cancel that order! Replace it with what you want: “I look good in anything I put on.”

Changing our thoughts can’t magically change our reality. However, our reality will never change until we change our thoughts and beliefs. Cancel that order! is the first step in creating the life and environment that you desire.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

 

I Love Past Kathy!

14 Tuesday Aug 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Uncategorized, Words of Wisdom

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As I move through life, I am often grateful to Past Kathy for setting me up for success. She puts my keys where they belong so I can find them. She replaces the toilet paper so I don’t get stuck with none. She even sits down to write a draft for a blog when she doesn’t want to. She does those things because she wants life to be easier for Future Kathy.

It reminds me of a Frog and Toad story, from the children’s series written by Arnold Lobel. In the story “Tomorrow”, which is in the book Days with Frog and Toad, Toad’s house is messy and he doesn’t want to clean it. It’s too overwhelming. I get it. I’ve been there. He says, “Today I will take life easy.” Frog points out all the things that need to be done, and Toad says, “I will do it all tomorrow.”

Then Toad is depressed because tomorrow is going to be so horrible. He can’t enjoy the day because all the tasks are looming tomorrow. Then Toad realizes that if he does one thing now, it’s something that he won’t have to do tomorrow. In the end, he does it all, convincing himself one task at a time to scrub the windows, dust, wash the dishes, etc. He is helping Future Toad!

Life is so much easier if we are constantly setting ourselves up for success. Small things like keeping belongings organized and put in the correct place lays an excellent foundation for ease in life. Big things like researching retirement vehicles and reading books for professional development help long-term goals get accomplished. Both require small actions that we can take to help our future selves live an easier and more successful life.

Of course, I am both Past Kathy and Future Kathy. If you want to be accurate, Present Kathy is really the one doing the work. In reality, Present Kathy does work that Future Kathy appreciates and for which Past Kathy gets the credit – and everyone is happy. It’s okay because we share the same goal of creating success that we all can enjoy. Talk about unanimity around a shared vision! There is a lot of power there.

We want to have goals and know the direction in which our desired future lies. However, goals are useless if we do nothing to achieve them. We must move every day, even if we don’t want to. Our Future Selves will thank us. Our Past Selves will seem like geniuses. In truth, it starts in the present. As always, the moment to seize is this one.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

 

Spending Emotional Pennies Wisely

07 Tuesday Aug 2018

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Quite a few people have recently told me that tracking Emotional Pennies has been a life changer for them. Below is a blog that I wrote about Emotional Pennies back in 2015. The concept is so powerful that I want to make sure that as many people as possible have a chance to use it to transform their perspectives and lives.

For those of us familiar with the concept, it’s a good reminder to check in on our Emotional Penny use. It’s a good idea to check in every now and then to be sure that we are being intentional in the use of our Emotional Pennies.

We usually think about time as the limiting resource each day. We never seem to have enough time! However, we can use the time that we have more effectively if we learn to manage another valuable and limited resource – emotional energy. How many times do you fall into the overstuffed chair at the end of the day and spend precious moments watching whatever is on TV because you feel too tired to do anything else?

We only have so much of ourselves to give each day. Think of the emotional energy that you spend each day as Emotional Pennies. Imagine that you start each day with 100 Emotional Pennies. You can’t carry any over to the next day, and the goal is to end up with as many Emotional Pennies as possible at the end of each day. The more pennies you have at the end of the day, the more energy you will have to enjoy your evenings.

Some common things that we all spend emotional energy on are work, family, health, other people’s problems, spirituality, friends, and things over which we have no control. Your list may not have all of these items and probably has quite a few more. Which of these are wise investments, and which are wastes of our Emotional Pennies?

A totally silly way to spend Emotional Pennies is on things over which we have no control. My personal pet peeve is when someone gets angry and cross when his or her favorite professional team loses. Tying your sense of well-being and happiness to a group of people you do not know and over whom you have no control seems about as absurd a being angry over which direction the wind is coming from.

The first step in limiting our unnecessary expenditures of emotional energy is to pay attention to how we are spending our Emotional Pennies. In everyday life, we want to invest our emotional energy in things we enjoy, people we love, and situations that we can change for the better. A good test question to ask is: “If I face this situation and invest some emotional energy into it, can I resolve it so that I never have to put another Emotional Penny into it again?” If the answer is yes, go for it! Break off the relationship, improve the situation, and/or release that old resentment!

As a general rule, you want to avoid any situation that constantly drains your emotional energy with no hope of the situation improving or resolving. However, sometimes you have to invest a bit before you figure out that you are facing a lost cause.

For example, we tried to work with the school to make it a safe and healthy environment for our youngest son, Andrew, when he was in 7th grade. He had asthma at that time and was allergic to dogs. There was a helping animal in the school for one of the other students. I spent tons of Emotional Pennies at the school talking to the principal, guidance counselor, assistant principal, and teachers. I could not get them to keep the dog and Andrew apart.

It took me awhile, but I finally realized that I couldn’t change the situation. My options were to continue spending almost all of my 100 pennies at the school each day or to get us all out of that particular situation. In the end, I homeschooled Andrew for the rest of that school year, and none of us ever regretted leaving that penny-sucking, black hole behind.

Emotional Pennies are a great tool to help us put the moments of our day to best use. We can dramatically improve the quality of our lives by spending our Emotional Pennies with intention. By spending on things that give us a return investment in love, support, and satisfaction, we can create a life that doesn’t exhaust us.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

 

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

 

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

Is that a fact?

31 Tuesday Jul 2018

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 There are different kinds of disagreements. We can disagree on values, which often leads to agreeing to disagree.

Sometimes, we disagree about goals. We can come to an agreement, but it can be a lengthy, in-depth process because it often involves a discussion of priorities and strategy.

We can agree on the goal, but not the process to achieve the goal. If we are willing to give up some control, then this type of disagreement can be relatively easy to resolve.

However, the easiest type of conflict to resolve is one based on fact. The challenge is that we often carry on as if what we are discussing is opinion. In any disagreement, a good question to ask is “Is that a fact?”

For example, once I asked my son to take the new registration and put it in his car. He insisted that he had a current registration in his car. Rather than arguing with him about it, I said, “Ok, let’s go look at it and see.”

It’s important when using this technique to avoid a sarcastic tone of voice. Hear that statement said in a pleasant and neutral tone of voice.

If you are proved correct, it’s best not to make any sort of “I told you so” comment or do a victory dance. As leaders, we are always working to create and maintain positive relationships, so we want to be right and wrong with some grace.

When you find yourself in a disagreement, ask yourself, “Is that a fact?” Can the point of contention be proven in some way? If it can, offer to research the point. Often, the other person loses interest when the argument becomes about fact rather than persuasion.

 

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

Frame of Reference

24 Tuesday Jul 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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The information that we take in and the information that we send out must go through our Frame of Reference, and it’s important to know how this Frame  affects our view of the world. I picture everyone peering out at the world through their Frames of Reference. Our Frame of Reference is made up of four parts: values, priorities, experiences, and beliefs.

Let’s begin with values. Picture your own memorial service in your head. You’ve led a full and meaningful life with which you are satisfied. What three things are you sure that people will say about you? The list that you come up with is your values. For the most part, our values stay the same throughout our lives.

Priorities are the second part of our Frame of Reference. Priorities are a snapshot of what is important to us right now. Putting a priority at the bottom of the list doesn’t mean that it’s not important to you at all; it’s just not something you focus on right now. Priorities include things like family, career, faith, and health.

The third part of our Frame of Reference is experience. What we experience in our lives has a profound effect on how we view the world and experience life in the future. Over time, our experiences create our beliefs about ourselves and life in general.

Beliefs are the final part of our Frame of Reference. Many of them are the foundations of our lives – personal rules that we don’t realize exist. As adults, we get to examine our beliefs and decide if they are serving us well or not.

We can get rid of a lot of stress if we realize that the values, priorities, experiences, and beliefs of others are not identical to our own. Every person has a unique Frame of Reference that leads them to see things differently and make different decisions than the ones that we might make. We can accept that and know that different is not necessarily wrong – which makes life easier for everyone.

Our Frame of Reference creates the world in which we live. Intentionally examining and creating our Frame of Reference can make all the difference in the life that we experience. Usually, an initial discovery session with a coach will include an examination of your values, priorities, and beliefs, as well as the significant experiences that have influenced you. It feels great to get rid of limiting beliefs that are holding us back.

For a little bit of fun (and free) leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com. #PositiveEffectLeadership #LeadershipRules #KathySays

 

Finding Your Challenge

17 Tuesday Jul 2018

Posted by in Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Uncategorized

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Until about 1950, scientists believed that there were two types of motivation: biological and reward/punishment. Biological motivation is driven by our biological needs to eat, sleep, etc. Scientists believed that the only other way to motivate someone was to offer a reward or threaten a punishment.

In 1949, Harry Harlow was doing behavior experiments with rhesus monkeys. He planned to test the effectiveness of rewards and punishments while the monkeys solved a puzzle. Two weeks before the experiments started, he put the puzzles in with the monkeys so that they would get used to them.

A totally unexpected thing happened. Without rewards or fear of punishment, they solved the puzzles frequently and quickly. The researchers were stunned. Harlow called it intrinsic motivation.

Through coaching and interacting with others, I’ve concluded that we crave challenges. Just like the rhesus monkeys, we are intrinsically motivated to solve problems and overcome obstacles. Some of us hunt for bargains. Others train for marathons. A group of us create realistic landscapes for model trains. My mom did a bit of cursing now and then when she was creating beautiful quilts. Some people I coach put all of their emphasis on moving up the ladder at work and earning more money.

If you look around, people who are happy are leveraging their intrinsic motivation just like the rhesus monkeys did when they solved the puzzles. They’ve found something that they like to figure out or overcome. Finding out what we like to do is a wonderful exercise.

We could take on a physical challenge or learn to knit. Helping others in some way is also a satisfying challenge. It’s important not to get discouraged if we don’t find our own personal challenge right away. We can’t know that we like or don’t like to paint or draw until we try it.

I’ve seen coaching clients get discouraged when the challenge is so big that it feels overwhelming. It’s not that they don’t like doing the action, it’s just that they don’t know how to start or that their expectations for mastery are unrealistic. It’s important to remember that we all start a new skill as consciously incompetent and work our way up to consciously competent. It’s okay to be terrible in the beginning.

It’s also okay to give yourself permission to spend time doing something that you like. I have dabbled with drawing over the years, but I’ve told myself that I will draw after I’ve accomplished everything that needs to be done for the day. It’s no great revelation for me to tell you that things are never done for the day. There is always one more thing that I could do.

Lately, I’ve been setting aside time to draw. I send two drawings a week to my granddaughter. A two-year-old is the proper audience to truly appreciate my work. I’ve found that the time I spend immersed in choosing colors and drawing are rejuvenating. I am refreshed and ready to take on the next task on my to-do list.

It’s a great reminder that self-care is an important part of living a fulfilling life. Finding a satisfying challenge that gives a sense of accomplishment is definitely good self-care.

For a little bit of fun leadership development, join 53 Leadership Challenges at KathyStoddardTorrey.com.

Want to go further with your professional development? Check out the courses offered at PositiveEffectLeadership.com.

If you are interested in taking your career to the next level quickly, contact me for a sample coaching session at KSTorrey@tapferconsulting.com.